From Allie

And there I am. Falling to my broken knees. Again. Buried in the mess I made.

With him to my left and him to my right. And there they are. Standing on the sidelines ready to call

to me with encouragement. More words that I stupidly throw away.

And there you are. Rising from under times that I shoved you into. Screw those messy times.

I love that. I love that you rise. I love that you sing my song. I love that you play with my hair when I fall asleep on your lap.

Do you hear them? The paintings I make in my head? With you? And me? FOREVER. 

Do you taste that? The aching need I feel for you every time you kiss me? 

And do you feel that? The sense of home that comes to my heart everytime you touch my face? 

Your finger tips across my skin? Your lips that explore the surfaces of my neck?

I love it. I love the way you make me feel. I love that your eyes are the last image that flushes through  my mind before I fall into those dreams I dream with your hands. 

Do you notice my shoulders? Because I notice yours. 

I notice how when you wrestle me you never hurt me even though you could snap me in half.

Because you, my Noah, are my bliss. And without you, I feel small again.

And you settle down with me. And you hold me in your arms. 

And you feel like falling in love. And you're my safety. 

And you kiss me. Like you want to be loved. BY ME.

And I'm a stupid woman. Because you were always my guitar solos. ALWAYS. 

The one thing that satisfied my thirst. The only arms that were strong enough to hold me.

I love you Noah. 

Always and forever. 

My Noah

With every step I take, I hear that crunch that satisfies. 

Singing in harmony with those aching bruises. 

Until one step I don't hear the crunch. 

I look down and pick up half of a heart and  with curious lips I kiss the pain away. 

No more crunching. At least to today, darling. 

But I deserve more than this. And you deserve more than me.

But some things were meant to be. 

So would you please just take my hand and take my whole life too.

Cause with one glance at those blue jewels and one stroke of those scars, I'm dust again.

Because you are the shooting star I've been waiting for. 

Except you've been here all along but how come I've missed you terribly?

You are my Noah. 

So sing my song into our white house with blue shutters. 

Falling like Raindrops.

My mind starts flipping through the memories and then halts.

I go to that auditorium. The air around me screaming with silence. Then the voices come in all at once.

The harmony is so indescribably beautiful that I feel the air start chilling my body from my shoulders to my scalp. 

The warmth so consuming i find it hard to breathe. 

Without notice tears start falling like raindrops. 

I remember the smiles and the undeniably joy through their eyes.

I want this. For me. All my doubts and fears wash away from me like slipping paint.

Hope and happiness come all at once.

I now find it silly I was once thinking about sacrifice this. 

Funny. Sad. Wrong. 

These tears falling through this smile decribes me.

And I'm home. 

Screw This.

And here I am. Crying over him for no damn good reason at all.

Because I miss him. And I don't even know what I miss... 

The fallen self esteem? The guilt? 

Or the trampolines? Or the ed sheeran station? 

Whatever the hell it is, I miss it. 

Hopefully this ache will end soon. 

And then I can give you everything. 

I've Given Up On Him.

He said nothing.

I would've given him everything but now I feel so small.

I was over my head and I knew nothing.

I would've followed him anywhere.

And I realize how naive to danger I was.

I just couldn't get to him. And now I'm going to swallow my pride.

Because I know you love me. I know you do. I see it in those eyes in those short 6 seconds. 

And I look at those lips knowing I can't have them.

Even though you're willing to catch me and never let me feel this pathetic again.

So why can't I just give everything to you? Because you, darling, and worth the wait.

So why can't I let myself fall in love with you all over again?

Because I can't take my eyes off you. But I can't have you. Because you deserve someone better.

And I can't give my small hands up to your willing strong hands until I am that better person. 

I love you.

And can we pretend that's enough for one night? 

Because I'm needing your arms around me right now. 

Complexity is Red.

I blinked and now I'm losing grip on the bands that tell my story.

And turn towards the trees and gasp for the air that's decided to suffocate me.

And I cover my eyes and scream until the voices go away.

And then I drop, and suddenly there isn't anything higher

I look down on my brittle hands seeing them peel apart layer by layer till they've reached their very vulnerable center.

And I feel nothing.

And I breathe in the desperation of every tragic love story that is out there sympathizing with them and their torn up finger nails.

And I plead with no one but myself. To remember the sunsets and the guitar solos.

And I start to cry, throwing up the memories again. 

Back myself into a corner weeping with the floor boards from the pain from all this weight.

And then I catch myself starting to tear apart my own finger nails.

And then I remember that face. And then that other face. And they start blur by as my mind starts fast forwarding through them as if my heart can't take it anymore.

And then I decide to put trust in my mind and not my heart.
Then I stop writing and look up wondering why my writing brings nothing by darkness.
And I realize that happiness is simple and darkness is complex.

They Pretended To Love Me.

Doubt.
The one who pretended to be my best friend.
Fear.
The one who pretended to protect me.
Together they showed me a way out of the stress and the pressure.
They threw me into this life and all I saw was the bright colors and the warm breeze.
I saw the passion of the fight and tasted the sweet flavor of freedom.
Then I hit.
I crashed.
I burned.
I cried.
Alone.
He turned out to be nothing of a friend; but a distraction. Block me from the view of happiness with the lies of an easy way out.
She ended up not protecting me; but hurting me. Throwing me into the cold with nothing to do but watch the crystals frost on the ends of my hair.
And I was helpless.
Then. I figured out that they are not loving me. They are hating me. They are my enemies. They are what I need to avoid.
 Because doubting myself brings me down to where my knees can't find the ground anymore.
And fear holds me back from what I need to become who I AM. I am a girl with an entire life ahead of her. And those head lights are nothing to doubt or fear; because they are only going to guide her to her bliss.

Pasts and Regrets.

With my pasts, I've never regretted them.
The slow dances with those strong hands that worked so hard to not let go of my small fumbling fingers.
The never ending conversations that flew deep into the night.
The way he never tried to touch me. The respect he had for me. For himself.
But this past. I regret. If I could go back in time and tell myself to listen to the loving voices around me, I would. Even if it would erase the orange chicken and guitar solos.
If I could go back to how it was before I would. Maybe I can. But this bitterness, will never go away.
The feeling of never being enough. The feeling of helplessness.
The wasted gas money.
The blame.
The excuses.
The poetry that disappointed me.
I regret it all.

Because There Are Too Many Words.

First time around and you were so wonderful.
As the passion died and the fighting fire dimmed.
And I realized the mistake. Cause that's what that was.
I should have listened. And now I truly apologize for not listening to them.
Because they love me in the selfless way. Wanting nothing but the best for me.
And I was blinded by the thrill of the ride. And the rush of the fall; not anticipating the moment when I hit.
And it's a terrible love. And now I'm walking with spiders.
I keep telling myself that it was real. At least for a little bit. But I'm just kidding myself aren't I?
And I'm so confused. Because of the perfection. The "right"ness about us.
All to learn that it was nothing but another test of my now broken self esteem.
To remind me that I'm not enough. To remind me that I threw away that chocolate for nothing.
Because She can help you move on. And so can She.  But not me.
Sacrifice is giving something up for something better. Those were not sacrifices.
That was me thinking of you. And you thinking of you.
And your fingertips across my skin.
The sweetest sadness in your eyes. Clever trick.
"I never want to see you unhappy."
Thank you for finally doing something for me.
We walked along a crowded street. You took my hand and we started dancing through the fire.
I thought you wanted the same for me.
You left, you kissed my lips.
Should have known this would bring me heart ache. Almost lovers always do.
And I think about that night. The one with you begging for my honesty. Telling me to let you in too.
Now I wish I could go back so I could tell myself to never let myself out.
Put me on hold?
Anything is possible.
But hopes were destroyed long before now.

I Remember Our Summer Under The Moon

Wasn't planning in posting this on here, but you wanted to read it. So here you go:)

I remember.

I remember the moment you saw me as an option for you're own selfish flirting.

I remember when I saw you as the same.

I remember the chocolate stares I would catch. And the bubbles in my hair.

I remember feeling your hands touch my waste for the first time.

I remember the cotton candy ice cream and the long personal talks we'd share.

I remember when it wasn't so selfish anymore.

And I remember how idiotic you felt when I rejected your kiss. 

And I remember laughing.

I remember this dollar. And when you ripped it.

I remember the cheesiness everyone felt when I made you promise to keep one half and I would keep the other.

So I kept that promise. Here it is. And here it will stay.

Lastly, I remember the moon.

Do you remember too?

That's a Lot of Pills

You really are sick aren't you? You're turning your blood into alcohol. And your heart into stone. 

And you're not ready to start healing.

And because I'm not ready to start breaking. So grant me the parting glass. 

Maybe I should let you go. 

I know where your corner is. 

Should you summon me into it with you, you'll see me start to break down into dust. Little by little I will fly away from you. 

Because your real poetry disappoints me. 

You know what I meant when I said your time to be happy was coming. But it's my time to be happy too.

And you watched me watching the ceiling. I told you you to let me in. 

But it's time you let yourself out. 

Remember lagoon? Remember Lilo and stitch? Remember when you wished it was you?

Now it is. Now what? Because I've seen storms. And I've laid there as the hail pounded me to the ground. And left scars. 

I see yours. And I see you. And I accept you. Wanting to love you. But how can I if all it does is leave me feeling more worthless than I did before I walked down in your basement?

 I mean a lot to you. Just not enough. And those pills won't work until you let them. 

I lay here feeling sick and alone. Getting nothing but casual texts. 

Tomorrow will be interesting. Not knowing what he'll do when he sees me.

Hoping for the best. Expecting the worst.

Everyone has to move on some day. 

Falling asleep into the dreams that terrify me most.

The nightmares that summon me to a night full of heart break and screams. 

I await for the dream that gives me hope instead of doubt.

Can't come soon enough.

It'll Be Alright

I catch myself staring. Catch my heart skip a beat. Turn around catch the tear just before it soaks the floor.

And my smiles are screaming with bright colors. And I turn around and the colors fade turning gray. 

My stomach sinks and I throw up the memories again. This time almost suffocating. It's not him. It's the times. The dancing in the rain. The corsages. 

Then I remind myself that because my body is weak doesn't mean my heart is.

And my mind is clear now that I see you. 

It'll be alright. 

Congrats.

 I stand there blinking away as my rage betrays me. Screaming to my memory to have mercy and let me forget. But he pulls up a chair enjoying the sight of my never ending pile of tissues. And I smell the burnt hair and taste the sweet sweet flavor of revenge. Seeking to aim the control that had once fallen through my fingers. Hell, I've been through this too many times before. You're bringing me down. Now I'm on my knees. Out here in the cold. With my own hands to hold. 

And he forces me to hug him. I grit my teeth together while pleading with God to have him let go this time. 

And I run. And run. To those stars that promise me a sweet welcome with hope and love. 

And I throw away the thought of you and you begging me not to stop when you're so close. And hate myself even more than before. And I hate you too. I hate that with two words you still have the power to send my tears streaming down my already stained cheek bones. And I hate you because of it. And feel helpless against your words that sent me into a high that I never wanted to slip out from.

I take the smell of your breath that my neck use to yearn for and send it shooting down to the ground. And I take my obsession with that crease in your shoulder and shove it down your throat. 

And I walk away. Even if I hate myself even more with every step I take away from you. 

Damn it, kid. 

Or should I rather say congrats. 

You just made me feel smaller than you ever have before.

Oh wait, that's possible?

Sure as hell is.

Remember my smile when you blink the night away trying to fall asleep.

And remember the way you stomped my self worth underneath your filthy futsol shoes. 

And with every look at that chaired hair on your knee, remember the way my fingers felt when I traced those scars. 

Remember manipulation is a two way streak my dear. 

The Things That Kill Me... Make Me Feel Alive

Screaming until my lungs cry out in pain. Then scream louder.

As if falling off that cliff is bad enough, turn around and fall backwards.

Falling for someone. Who is in love with someone else.

Feeling the rush of the drop. Throw myhands in the air.

Go into a bull fight. Wearing all red.

Feel the breath of the wolf on your face. Challenge him.

Feeling my body breaking. Toss myself into the river.

Climbing your wall. Diving head first to the other side.

Meet death. Greet him with a smile. 

Something new. Something different.

Took a chance on a bruised and beaten heart.

Realized from the start

you wanted what you had. 

I miss the way he made me feel pretty. 

Now I don't feel pretty enough.

Took a chance on a blank, new life.

Should of known from the start 

those fake laughs and lip gloss smiles were masks.

I miss the way they made me feel missed

Now I feel unwelcome.

Stronger Ropes

Comes back and makes you catch her when she falls.
Looks through those glassy polished eyes
and with one blink you're enslaved.
Enslaved in that hole that you are digging your way out of.
Torn up fingernails, hanging out dry.
The rope that keeps you tied down to the bottom.
Bleeding knuckles screaming the need for miserable love songs.
Now it's 3am and the water never stops running.
Another rope hits your shoulder and you look up.
Noticed the water stopped. Noticed the air was still.
"Grasp onto the new rope." Something tells you.
You obediently grab onto it. It pulls you up. As high as it can.
The rope holding you to the ground however, won't let you above that midway ledge.
But not quite ready to let go of the rope holding you down you settle for the ledge.
Not misery.
Not happiness.
Numbness.
I come down and meet you on that ledge.
With all smiles and eyes that I can't take off of you.
However, you know I won't settle for it.
Sooner rather than later you're going to have to decide which
rope is, in fact, stronger.
Lets hope you don't choose the one that keeps you trapped.
But the one that will lead you to contentment.
Because that one won't wait forever.

Sucks to Suck

Watching the trees, while standing in the middle of that abandoned road, as they ruffle when the wind slowly passes through them. 

Waiting for me to feel the cool air on my skin too. As it approaches me, nothing.

Hanging upside down feeling helpless as the butcher holds my heart in his dirty, greedy hands.

Awaiting for the final ache, then nothing.

Standing backwards on the edge, friends encouraging me to feel the rush. Blindly I let go of my control anticipating the catch. Nothing.

Suck It Hell.

Because people breathe because they run. And they run because they sweat. And they sweat because they wheeze. And they wheeze because that's damn better than nothing. Because hell can't catch her a break even for an hour. Because gaining her would be his biggest win yet.
He walks through the mangled stars waiting for her there. Waiting for her to decide she isn't strong enough.
Waiting for her to realize that her tear stained cheeks and plastered dried sweat was not worth trying to get through to the other side.
Waiting for her to realize that finding her happiness is not worth the agony.
Waiting to cheat her out of her contentment to drag her down to where her teeth can't even find one another again.
Blind her with hope to where she opens up and little by little he crawls inside and starts to consume her without notice.
She finds shelter in hell. Trying to cover her misery because she's too afraid to look up.
To recognize that adventure is out there.
Feeling like just another flame in his air.
Feeling the sting as the hot air passes through the cracks on top of her dry knuckles.
And he starts doing this when he is missing her.
Chews up the other victims and spits them in her face.
Smoking his many cigarettes and puts them out on her hair.
Hell has sucked her down. What he doesn't comprehend is that she is not just another one of his helpless victims.
She is a princess. With courage, bravery, and heart. Even though they are invisible sometimes.
They'll come out. And when they do, hell will be the one trembling.
Hmm.. what do ya know?
Suck it hell.

A Day To Forget

So why can't I forget it? The air was cool, egging on the water to start falling from the sky. The windows were fogged up from the constant exhaling of our breath. I saw the regret in his eyes. And thought nothing of it. First mistake. Felt his firm hands grip mine in assurance that he was mine. His long drawing sleeping breaths as he rested his chin on my head. Watching my hand go up and down along with his rising chest. Feel the drop of my stomach when he surprisingly threw me over his broad shoulder running into the restaurant. Thinking to myself, "Wow. I'm In love with this guy." Opening my insecurities and inner phantom to him. Second mistake. Reading his cheesy rhyming poem with the smile I thought would never leave my face while I was with him. The confusion that flickered my eyes when he picked me up off of his lap at the movies. Believing him when he said "Nothing. My stomach just hurts." Third and fatal mistake.The unbelief when he left me. The bottomless pit my broken heart never stopped falling into. The ice so cold that the burning felt so good. The wanting to starve just to feel the hunger. The way I welcomed the slicing sound of his voice. Because the sting I would feel just by the sound of his name was better than nothing. From bliss to blackout. 

Maybe now that I have this out I can start forgetting it.

Don't Let That Broken Heart Haunt You.

Wanna try? 

Nice smile, but broken. My aching heart when you're looking at me not satisfied; wanting to be holding someone else. If you had the option of her, would you pick me? 

Not a chance.

But I knew that. I knew that it would never be me. I knew it after you told me about your weekend in Thailand. And I still decided to take this leap into your arms with the hope that your words were sincere and that you would never let me hit that rock bottom that you hit. Because she threw you down there. You would never let me hit it right?

You want it to be me though don't you? You want it to be me as much as I do. I want you to take your sights off of her and see me. I want you to see me as he saw me. As everything he ever wanted. I want you to hold my hand like you never want to let go. I want you to feel the way I feel when I have to leave. 

What am I supposed to do? Stand in front of you and block your vision of the better view? I don't want that. I want to be that better view. I want you to love me the way he did; with all he has. I want you to love me like you love her; with no hold.

Wanna try?

Beautifully endless eyes; with pain behind them. But faking it, is what I want you not to do. Because if you can't give me the love that I'm trying to give you then you're hurting me. You're giving me all this hope just to blind me of your true desires. Then your hurting me for no reason. Someone will love me the way I love them. And I want that to be you. I want to take your hand and walk through this mangled and thorned ground. I want to be that light that you not only need but want. 

Now my dear, you see this potential bliss ahead? Don't let that broken heart haunt you.

Don't Forget About Me Okay?

Vulnerability.
Hmmm. Must be my favorite word huh? Well doesn't matter.
Susceptibility. Wanting your love so much; yearning for you to share your heart with me.
For you to want me to share mine with you. Making it weak.
Feeling your touch-feel the fire that trails your skin.
Looking into those eyes--falling into them and becoming defenseless.
Thinking about my words trapped in my throat after your kiss.
Feeling helpless; going along with you.
Feeling my heart ache a little when you don't treat me like I'm used to being treated.
How can I expect that? Ha.
Catching myself feeling exposed to the potential shattering of all of me.
Because I'm me and no one else. But that's enough. Right?
Because I know you see the openness my heart is willing to have.
Willingness to revive that wrecked heart. And that takes a lot.
Just don't forget about me okay?

Melancholy Hearts

Bittersweet. What ever the kids are calling it these days.
Phone calls that scream. Texts that weep. Stares that break hearts.
Eyes that sing joy. That burning that follows your every touch.
I'm trying to figure out what it is about you that makes me want to be with you all the time.
Maybe its your touch. Maybe its your looks. Maybe its the fact that I'm myself when I'm with you.
And I'm trying to figure out why everyone is so against us. Especially when they brought this idea to us.
Maybe they are mad. Maybe they are jealous. Maybe it will take time.
I just wish I knew what I could do for them to see us like I do.
When I'm with you, everything seems perfect.
When you're gone, the real world comes alive crushing us beneath it.
Trying to suck all the water from our bodies through our tears.
Tearing the ones closest to our hearts to try and suffocate us.
Telling us to fear the margins.
Begging us to play safe. Stay alive. Don't risk the bruises.
Fear? Is weakness.

Be My Safety

I'm cold as the wind blows. So hold me in your arms.
Because I love insanity. And I crave adventure.
And I love falling into this water. To feel the water surround me; holding me tightly.
Taking me deeper into this sense of wonder.
Because yesterday was perfect. And today bliss. And tomorrow is hope.
Hope that won't disappoint. Bliss that will more than satisfy.
Because this is the start of something beautiful. And because you are the start of something new.
And because you are right. And perfect. And because I don't see anything I don't like about you. But I will... okay.
Meet me on the battlefield. I'll fight with you for you. I'll fight for us. Because we're worth it.
Okay? Okay.

You're nice.

Yesterday was a glimpse of what our future could hold. 

And I loved every single part of it. 

From the soup and spitballs to the music and the movie.

From the slut Brooke and the sighs of losing kings in the corner to you again

From our hugs to hand holds.

And from silent stares that are never awkward.

This is to being vulnerable and taking this leap with you.

You're nice. And I'm happy.

Sacrifices

That's not the right word; but it's the closest I can get to what this is.

You say that if I'm leaving friendships then of course it's wrong.

But that's where you are wrong. 

That's not how it is. 

It's so right that if I have to sacrifice those, then I will.

It means THAT much to me. 

He means that much to me. 

And that's your decision if you say goodbye to our friendship. 

You're gonna say goodbye to me because I'm following my heart? 

Because I'm doing what I know is right? What feels right?

Well don't blame me. That's your own damn fault. 

Don't want to be missing you tonight.

But I am. I miss that smile that sings happiness.
I miss those words that bring me back to life.
Although tonight was so fun with my girls, I miss you like crazy.
I'm thinking about those eyes that I catch staring at me.
I miss them. I miss the feeling at home when I hear your voice.
I miss you getting really close to my face with yours in a casual setting.
And I miss the electricity I feel between that little space.
I miss you. But with every passing minute you're not here, this whole "missing" just hurts more.
Because every minute I'm missing you, you're not missing me back.

Soon-To-Be

Your poems have gotten lazy with lies.You have gotten lazy my dear.
Tomorrow isn't possible because you are so stuck in the painful past.
If you would just look up, you'd see hope.
Hope we are giving you.
Its not gonna completely satisfy,
But fill in the aching holes, it will do.
And maybe you don't want that. But you need it.
And maybe you don't need me. But you want me.
Downwards you see those glass rainbows; covered with salty water.
And you know, those rainbows are yours.
Well. Soon-to-be.
If you accept them.

My Dear, You're Drifting.

Pleading for the last few quotes. Crying those silent, slowly rolling down those cheeks, tears.
I hear you singing in the darkness. I feel that pain you hide behind those eyes.
I want to take your heart in my hands and give it a solid home.
I want to fight beside you. Even if all I do is die and wait for you to bring me back.
Losing. Winning. Who cares if you can protect me?
Grasping empty air to hold you steady. Yearning for the impossible.
I listen to your voice with an open heart.
I accept you with all your mistakes.
Drifting away in the wind as I walk by and you realize we all love you.

Poetry and They

Burned eyebrows.
Cracked lips.
Tragic eyes.
Silent tears.
Blank page.
White walls.
Broken heart.

Mustn't Be Afraid to Dream a Little Bigger Darling,

Hopes. Dreams. Yearlings.
Itch you can't scratch.
 That smell you dream of but never find while awake.
Blind sights set on sin.
Impossible desires.
I wanted these things. I needed them.
Until I dreamed a little bigger.
Just a push. And I was soaring.
My eyes are now poems and I see you now.
I mustn't be afraid anymore.

This Feels Like Falling In Love

Settle down with me.
And stop thinking about that tempting body.
All it does is drag you deeper into that pit.
Pit of NOTHING but despair and tears.
Lay down with me. And hold me. In your arms.

And let me take that aching in your heart and turn it into beating again.
That pain behind those words.

And that's how I know you.
I know you.
I'm falling for your eyes. But they don't know me yet.
This feels like falling in love.

Next Moment Broken.

Yesterday was right. Yesterday the blocks that he scattered were finally coming together. Yesterday the new passion I came to know saved my life.
Yesterday, he was looking at me with those piercing chocolate eyes. And yesterday, they warmed me up.
Yesterday I would swim in that sweet smile. And yesterday it would set me soaring.
Yesterday I knew I loved him. Because he would hold me and temporarily fill those holes in my heart.
Yesterday, Yesterday, Yesterday....
But today. Today is a whole new story buddy. Better hold on for the ride.
Today I felt him drifting. Today me drifting. I felt that awkward moment when there is nothing else to say.
Today he was quiet. Today he was sad. Today, he accepted that I am only a temporary love.
And what we have will end.
Oh also, something else happened today also.
A new wind came into my life; stunning me with surprise.
With those words of wonder. And that, "I'm trying so hard to be happy," laugh.
With those blue eyes. And that connection I know he feels too.
Yesterday was sure stone. Happiness.
Today is confusion and impossible yearning.
One moment perfect.
Next, Broken.

Blood Hath Made Ye Blind My Dear.

You don't fret over someone who had taken that cold sweat and turned it to nothing.
You feel sorrow for the pain and soon-to-be regret that they will go through as soon as they realize it.
Realize that it SUCKS to be them.
Because they lost everything. Because they could have had EVERYTHING.
Selfish.
Cross-cutting through hearts as the walk down the path.
Taking the breath and sucking it in to where there is no where to even draw the breath from anymore.
Asking you with lips of an angel to give yourself to them and you do. Because who says no to the lips of an angel? Well not you my dear. That's for sure.
So there you go. Go deeper into the beautifully dark words they draw you in with.
You go so far to be able to get out. Now you're stuck. Now you are down there with them.
But it's okay if you are down there. Because at least your with them.
Until they use that last bit of love you give them to push themselves out of there.
Now you are down there my dear. Alone. With nothing to even help you up from the ground. Because they took everything from you. Because you were willing to give it all. Now you have nothing else. That was the one thing that you could protect. And you gave it away like a pair of shoes.
They own you now. Don't you get that? And you need to learn that there are real angels out there.
And she is waiting for you to see her my dear. Because right now, you can't.
Because you are so obsessed with the devil. You need something from her. And if it's blood, you will gladly accept it. Because at least the blood is better than nothing. You are so blinded by that my dear that you don't see what is right in front of you.
That there is an angel waiting for you. But she won't wait forever. Because she doesn't want to have to live up to the devils secrets. The devils deadly deeds. Because she will not take that from you. Because she does not want to blind you. Because she doesn't own that blood. Because she is an actual angel my dear. See her.

Still Reminiscing.

I remember when I was little. I remember when I use to hide on the shelf above my closet with my stuffed bunny when my parents were fighting. I remember being used by him. I remember more than you think.

Yesterday is the future.

Mistakes. People make them. People are them. People get mad at people to make them. It always involves us; humans.
Mistakes. To you, can't be overlooked. Sometimes you can't even blink without people judging your every move.
Mistakes. To me, are always forgiven. Because of what they are! MISTAKES!
Because today is tears. And yesterday is regrets. And tomorrow is begging not to come.
Because tomorrow is because of yesterday.
And. Well that's because of you.
Because you are so stubborn that yellow can't be red for even one day.
And trees can't sing because they aren't allowed.
And no cards; thanks to your boredom.
Please. Stop it.
Stars are pleading.
Hands are weeping.
And our air is suffocating.
And. Well. That's because of you. Again.
When you decide to start singing and stop walking, let me know.
Because if not, you are also, one of those mistakes.

Instructions

sums it up.

Dentist trip.

 

I got to leave school early because I had a dentist appointment.
I was able to watch the avengers.
I got to be put on laughing gas.




They drilled my teeth.
My head hurt.
I got new toothpaste and chap stick.







I don't like the dentist still.

Mommy, why are clouds?

Mommy, why are clouds? Why do we eat? How does medicine work?
Mommy, what is stars? Where do we cry? Why do we count numbers?
Mommy, do boys sing too? How do I get scared? What is fruits?
Mommy, why do I need shoes? How was my dress made? Who are super hero's?
Mommy, how does my coloring book get made? Why is clocks important? Who cleans our trash?
Mommy, why do football boys hit each other? When is next week? How does my hair be yellow?
Mommy, why do you love paints? When do I fall in love? Is daddy coming to dinner?
Mommy, why are colors? Why can't I chew water? Where does the sky end?
Mommy, I love you. Do you love me too?

Believe it.

Because you are who you are for a reason. Believe it.

Black out

Oranges and Boredom

Oranges are funerals. Oranges are little kids squirting juices everywhere. Oranges are the sting of the citrus on open cuts. Oranges are horrible fruits that taste sour and sweet at the same time. Oranges are indecisive.

The only time I give the orange a change, it's out of boredom. Not want. 

Now oranges are boredom. 

Nothing positive come from these things.

Empty Nesters.

Sixers.

  I still make coffee for two.

FOR SALE: Baby shoes, never worn.

Life changed                 These socks are itchy

when I                             but warm.

became brave.

It’s             I am thankful for the other girl.

Friday         It has helped me move on.

and

I’m

feeling                 those old scars

good.                  have built my character.                       

I fear no fate...

Fate is scary.  Fate is no reason. Or choice. He's asking us to forget and leave it to him.
But I fear no fate.
I decided once. That he is not the boss of me. Once, I would ask him to catch me a break. He would take that question and shove it back in my face and say, "I'm in control!"
Then I decided that I feared him. I had no real control of my outcome. I was afraid that he would get mad at me and choose to hate me.
But today I fear no fate.
It was then, that I decided to fight him once again and I said, "Screw you." I then tried to change my fate and decided to fly. Fate took away my flying freedom and said, "Be scared of me!"
I fell into a pit full of tears that never seemed to stop coming. All my walls that took so much effort for me to build up, gone. Now a pile of dust blowing through the air I breathe.
Because I was stuck here I saw that I had two choices.
1) Decide that fate has control and surrender myself to him.
2) Fight him.
Slowly, one step at a time, I climbed out of that pit. And when I reached the top I was a new human. I was strong. I was new. I was me.
Because of this, today I fear no fate.

He doesn't realize.

I work like a hound dog on the run with some hunters, chasing that goose or I'm gonna get a butt-whoopin.

I work like a marine fighting for the man beside him. Fighting to get back to his wife and baby boy.
I work like it's my last chance. Oh wait. It is my last chance.
All I have done is improve. But he doesn't realize how hard I'm actually working.
I ask him, what can I do better? He tells me, straight forward. I improve. Now NOTICE!
He doens't realize that this is my last chance to play this game that I love.
I have a passion for this sport and I have a responsibility to this team.
Notice me. Please.

More like her.

She's beautiful in her simple little way
She don't have too much to say when she gets mad
She understands she don't let go of anything
Even when the pain gets really bad
Guess I should've been more like that

You had it all for a pretty little while
And some how you made me smile when I was sad
You took a chance on a bruised and beaten heart
Then you realized you wanted what you had
I guess I should've been more like that

I should have held on to my pride
I should have never let you lie
I guess you got what you deserved
I guess I should've been more like her

Forgiving you, she's stronger than I am
You don't look much like a man from where I'm at
It's plain to see desperation showed it's truth
You love her and she loves you with all she has
I guess I should've been more like that

I should have held on to my pride
I should have never let you lie
I guess you got what you deserved
I guess I should've been more like her

She's beautiful in her simple, little way

 

-Miranda Lambert

Stop. Or I'll call you names.

Have this. Have that. Be here. Be there.
Mom and dad. Brothers and friends. Coaches and teachers. Bosses and teamates. Co-workers and classmates.
I think of them. I think about them, being a long list of things expected.
Catch better. Have perfect grades. Go to BYU. Be to work on time. Leave everything out on the field. Be a lady. Walk your dog. Lose weight. Get faster. Remember how to count down.
 I think about them and I think how can I do this while trying to make sure everyone else around me is not disappointed in me. I try to think about having difference expectations for myself and doing what I want. But how can I do that if I don't even know what I want! I want what everyone else wants of me because I don't think about the future because that is too scary.
I can't do this. I can't follow everyone else because that is the norm. I need to find out for myself.
Stop calling me names. I'm earning nicknames on my own thank you. Stop the expectations. Or I'll crack. Stop laughing at my mom or I'll laugh at yours.
Stop or I'll call you names.

Room to Breathe

Future.
I hate you.
I don't like thinking about you. And I don't like having to make the decisions to make you happen.
I hate thinking about everything that I have to do for you.
And I hate that when I do think about you, I can't breathe anymore.
I'm stressed thinking about what the you have in store for me.
Left and right. Up down. Doesn't really make a difference.
I need the space. To think. To feel. To appreciate.
The future isn't here yet. You aren't even here yet! So stop pressuring me about you!
When I learn to think past you, to forget about you, I have the room to breathe again.

Tomorrows Yesterday.

I look up to the hills. And I wonder. Where is my help.
Dry your eyes. Oh dry your eyes. For I was taught in paradise.
Weep no more. Shed no tear.
The sun will not strike you by day. Nor the moon by night.
To ease my body of melodies.
Today is limited.
Today is soon to be gone.
Today is death.
And death doesn't care about who you are.
All she wants is to make you realize your regrets and ask you to cry.
But never listen to her.
Tomorrows Yesterday always is soon to end.
No regrets.
Not sorrow.
No more tears.

Kiss Me Better. Or Kiss Me to Take the Better Away.

Always. Never. What?
Please choose. I ask you to decide. Take it and make it warm. Or leave it and watch it die. Coldly.
We never want to take risks. But this is different. I know that I've kissed you better. But I know that I've kissed the better away too. I never choose the right one.
Have you ever noticed my hands? Because I've noticed yours. And I want them to take me and hold me. Or maybe I want them to die. To be gone. And leave me alone.
Have you ever noticed my shoulders? Because I've noticed yours. And again. I push them. Down to the ground I push them. And I ask myself, I want this to live? In your warm smile and sparkling eyes.
Nah. Leave. Die. Kiss me to take the better away. Leave the worse. Because in the end, The worse is better.
Goodnight.

Pencils. Books. Looks.

I am afraid of awkward silences. I'm afraid of my grandparents neighbors. I'm afraid of co-workers tripping. I'm afraid of my boss yelling at me. Not because I'm scared of her, but I'm scared she will spit on me. I'm afraid of girls with long leg hair. I'm afraid of coffee. And hot chocolate. And soup. Any burning hot liquid. Except hot tubs. I love hot tubs. I'm afraid of floating plastic ducks. I'm afraid of untied shoe laces. I'm afraid of Jane Austin stories. I'm afraid of bight light. But I'm also afraid of darkness. I'm afraid of pencils. And books. And looks. And I'm afraid of people that smell bad. And I'm afraid of being mad. I'm afraid of summer mornings. I'm afraid of musicals. I'm afraid of you. Yeah you. I'm afraid of screaming. I'm afraid of white boys playing funky music. I'm atraid of you smiling back at me with those lying eyes.

Monsters and Teeth

I'm afraid of Monsters. I'm afraid of teeth. I'm afraid of monsters under my bed. I'm afraid of of them popping out at me like a jack in the box. I'm egging them on. But doesn't matter how much I try not to be scared, I always am. I know that I'm stronger than most monsters. Their power is they come out of no where. They ask themselves, "How can I scare this person more?" And I say to myself, "Come at me." But they don't. They come out when you don't expect it.
I'm afraid of teeth. I'm afraid of the slicing. I'm afraid of getting bitten. Because when I get bit, I become weak. Vulnerable. I'm afraid of vulnerability. I'm afraid of weakness.
But to sum it up, I'm afraid of monsters and teeth.

My life. My choices.

"This ain't a song for the broken-heartedNo silent prayer for the faith-departedI ain't gonna be just a face in the crowdYou're gonna hear my voice when I shout it out loud
It's my life, it's now or neverI ain't gonna live foreverI just want to live while I'm alive
It's my lifeMy heart is like the open highwayLike Frankie said I did it my wayI just wanna live while I'm aliveIt's my life

Better stand tall when they're calling you outDon't bend, don't break, baby, don't back down

My heart is like the open highwayLike Frankie said I did it my wayI just wanna live while I'm aliveIt's my life" 

Bon Jovi.

I'm thinking about how I don't know what you're thinking.

In my head, my thought are running around like a dog chasing a cat.
I try to make sense of my thinking and I think i'm succeeding most of the time.
Or maybe me thinking that i'm succeeding is proof that i don't know what i'm thinking.
Or where my thoughts are going.
But what I do know is that I'm thinking about you.
I'm thinking about how you look at me. And smile at me for no reason.
I think about how you show me affection and I get butterflies in my stomach and tomatoes for cheeks. I'm also thinking about how when you're not with me you are gone completely. I think about how I feel like to you, I disappear. Or so it seems.
I think about how could this be? How could I be so important to you in person but when i'm not vulnerable to your eyes or hands, I'm faded completely.
I think about how I have no idea what you're thinking about. I think about how I probably never will.
And I think about how I hate it.

Numb Motions

Everyday is the same as the day before. Sleep. School. Sports. Work. Homework. Sleep.
Oh maybe I'll make myself a roast beef sandwich instead of a turkey. Hooray for change.
My day is stressful. And strict. And keeps me on task.
Always saying that I need to become better, stronger, skinnier, or more pretty.
I taught myself to ignore my low self esteem by keeping my mind elsewhere.
Going through my day with out even feeling it.

A love more like them.

I sit there. After a fight with you. Watching that couple looking into each others eyes and couldn't be happier. We argue all the time, but can't live without each other?
Our love is forbidden. That should sound romantic and dangerous shouldn't it?
The risk gives me a rush sometimes. But most of the time I feel guilty.
Why can't we have a love more like them? A relationship where all that matters is each other.
We break it off and I feel as if i'm in a dream. No, a nightmare. And I need you to come wake me up.
A dangerous flame that grows higher and brighter.
Our love is guilt. Why can't our love be like theirs?
Love. What does that word mean? I can't say. I can compare?
Love is pain. Love is risk. Love is romantic. Love is not now. Love is dangerous. Love is fire. Love is forbidden. Love is worth the wait. Goodnight.

Change.

When choices are placed before us, the right one is usually the hard one. And sometimes not only is it hard, it's extremely difficult. People could get hurt, including ourselves. But what are we going to do? You see that there has to be a change and if you don't make it happen, then it won't. Something needs to happen, make it. Don't wait and hope that change will happen on its own. Take charge and control the outcome.

Being Alive

Breathing.
We know we are alive when we don't have to struggle for our lungs to receive air.
We got the air. Now we got to do something about it.
We have this life. And we need to actually live it.
Being alive throws us experiences, and we need to learn from them.
Your alive.
Don't take advantage of it.

Intro

Well.
Here we go. Writing to no one in particular.
Introduction. What am I suppose to say in an intro?
Hello. I want to be able to write about something that actually means something to any of you.
Or maybe i'm just babbling on this to impress my teacher? To make him think that I want to make a difference.
Except. I do want to make a difference.
I want to see a difference in this society and I want to help start it. Because people in this world have trouble being kind. And I want to help that change.
Except I'm not perfect. All I want is to make a difference.
About me? I'm one person in a big world. I have hopes. I have doubts.
But I'm just like everyone else. Wanting to be accepted. Getting hurt. All the time.
But that's what we do as people. We persevere. That's my moto. The storm always runs out of rain.
That's me.