Because chemistry doesn't matter when you don't have timing.
And I've come to understand that I'm not a body that contains a soul.
I am a soul that is in possession of a body.
And never have I dealt with something more difficult than my soul.
I became high off my ambitions. And learned that you were more of a lesson than a blessing.
You represent what want. No where close to who I want.
My legs don't work like they use to.
If I never found love like yours again, it'd be a relief.
I've spent a lot of timing searching for love in shallow spaces.
Places I've become unwelcome to.
In the darkness, I found light. In myself, I found loveliness.
You are wrong.
And once I stopped chasing wrong things, right things caught me.
Now forget to remember your pathetic pitty party and be my friend.
He makes me want to believe. He is all that I see.
I had my ways. They were all in vain.
You shout it loud.
But I don't hear a word you say.
It's you who have further to fall.
Now he takes me in his loving arms.
Let me be.
Let me be.
Let me be.
Monday, December 22, 2014
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Everything in Particular.
There's a particular kind of suffering for those who's heart is forced to change at will of the mind.
A particular kind of crying when you awaken screaming because the dream was superior to reality.
A particular kind of embarrassment when everyone knows you're dreaming in color and his name is hidden somewhere in your singing.
A particular kind of sadness when you realize that there are all kinds of love, but you never have the same love twice.
Friday, December 5, 2014
Silenced.
I was sitting there in a train next to plenty of strangers, all of us doing the same thing; minding our own thoughts in silence.
I use to go to bed at night and my mind would scream at me with memories or wishes or dreams.
Anytime I was quietly thinking, my ears seemed to ache with the pain of noise from the insight out.
I could barely see anything past the questioning thoughts and yearning images.
Then that one moment while I was sitting on the train, just like that... nothing.
No flash of passion with Jon. No memory of that bang song. No naive camo couple.
Nothing.
For the first time something ached more than the scream of noice.
Silence.
I use to go to bed at night and my mind would scream at me with memories or wishes or dreams.
Anytime I was quietly thinking, my ears seemed to ache with the pain of noise from the insight out.
I could barely see anything past the questioning thoughts and yearning images.
Then that one moment while I was sitting on the train, just like that... nothing.
No flash of passion with Jon. No memory of that bang song. No naive camo couple.
Nothing.
For the first time something ached more than the scream of noice.
Silence.
Friday, November 28, 2014
I Miss This.
That morning when I awoke to you.
Ditched school and work.
All day with each other.
Our conversations.
You: "What's untoasted toast?"
Me: "Bread."
Ditched school and work.
All day with each other.
Our conversations.
You: "What's untoasted toast?"
Me: "Bread."
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Tell Me Darling,
Who stole the light from your soul?
I see the way you hold yourself
so
tightly.
Maybe you're afraid you'll float away.
You forget how love could be a dynamite lit at both ends.
Forget the fireworks of men
who pulled your hips
to prove that you were enough.
Forget thinking that this was supposed to hurt
as you ran head first into every heartache.
You are not a burning building.
And pain is not the only way to feel like you're alive.
I see the way you hold yourself
so
tightly.
Maybe you're afraid you'll float away.
You forget how love could be a dynamite lit at both ends.
Forget the fireworks of men
who pulled your hips
to prove that you were enough.
Forget thinking that this was supposed to hurt
as you ran head first into every heartache.
You are not a burning building.
And pain is not the only way to feel like you're alive.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Promises and Orange Juice.
Promises are a lost concept.
Because no one really understands the promise they make when they make it.
So when someone looks at me says, "I promise." I look back at them and swallow my giggle.
Because ahhh, another one too naive for this cruel world.
Believing in promises is like drinking Orange Juice.
You taste them after some sweet thing and their real horrible, sour taste comes out.
Makes you want to never taste something sweet again. Because if you do, the orange juice becomes sour.
So just don't believe in promises.
Because no one really understands the promise they make when they make it.
So when someone looks at me says, "I promise." I look back at them and swallow my giggle.
Because ahhh, another one too naive for this cruel world.
Believing in promises is like drinking Orange Juice.
You taste them after some sweet thing and their real horrible, sour taste comes out.
Makes you want to never taste something sweet again. Because if you do, the orange juice becomes sour.
So just don't believe in promises.
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Letters to people who will never read them.
Dear Noah- Not quite sure why I still refer to you as Noah. You are obviously not my happy ending. I don't know what you really felt when you told me how you were feeling. I don't know if you were lying. Signs point to lies. Signs point to truth. I don't know which one it is. And quite frankly, I don't care anymore. You are my past. A past I can't get rid of. I don't know if I really want to either. You were the first. The one who taught me to love. Within us, I discovered passion. Thank you for that; now I can love someone else just as passionately.
Dear Marvel- All I really want to say to you is that I hope you find happiness. I was unfair to you. And a little unfair to myself. I went along with everything you said, kinda followed your lead without really looking at what I really wanted... I'm sorry I gave you false hope. I hope you find a really tan blonde, just like you like em..
Dear Ty- I can't even explain what this is. But it's something I never want to let go of. You're the first person ever blow Jacob out of the water. And that day we went hiking to the water fall and it decided to pour on us and you grabbed me and kissed me with passion that I haven't ever felt before. I looked into your eyes and saw something. Something in those brown eyes of yours. I think you might be the reason I'm here.
Dear Marvel- All I really want to say to you is that I hope you find happiness. I was unfair to you. And a little unfair to myself. I went along with everything you said, kinda followed your lead without really looking at what I really wanted... I'm sorry I gave you false hope. I hope you find a really tan blonde, just like you like em..
Dear Ty- I can't even explain what this is. But it's something I never want to let go of. You're the first person ever blow Jacob out of the water. And that day we went hiking to the water fall and it decided to pour on us and you grabbed me and kissed me with passion that I haven't ever felt before. I looked into your eyes and saw something. Something in those brown eyes of yours. I think you might be the reason I'm here.
Monday, September 8, 2014
Another Love.
The understanding of only one love becomes real with each memory that I decide to feed from at night.
Was that real? So far gone that it seems to be nothing more than a dream.
A very vivid dream.
A dream swollen with highs.
What is this thing with, "first loves"?
Is it too much to ask that I only really love one person, and that one person is the one who loves only me?
Yes. Yes it is.
Because those who don't go through heart break. Heart break like I have, don't understand the hope that comes from the fallen love.
Another love. Another life time ago. Another rebellious heart ago.
What is this. I don't understand. My tears are fake. All my real tears are gone.
They've been used up, on another love.
Rebellious hearts come at too high of a price now days. And I can't afford it anymore.
All my money has been used up.
On another love.
Was that real? So far gone that it seems to be nothing more than a dream.
A very vivid dream.
A dream swollen with highs.
What is this thing with, "first loves"?
Is it too much to ask that I only really love one person, and that one person is the one who loves only me?
Yes. Yes it is.
Because those who don't go through heart break. Heart break like I have, don't understand the hope that comes from the fallen love.
Another love. Another life time ago. Another rebellious heart ago.
What is this. I don't understand. My tears are fake. All my real tears are gone.
They've been used up, on another love.
Rebellious hearts come at too high of a price now days. And I can't afford it anymore.
All my money has been used up.
On another love.
Friday, August 22, 2014
Long Gone.
Everyday I look down to that locket around my neck and the every time I do the same word floods my mind.
WHY.
Why does the sky seem endless.
Why am I feeling such pain in my head all the time?
Why am I here in this bed at this exact moment?
Why am I feeling the way I do? Is it because someone else is making me feel this way?
Why did I have such feelings for Him for them to disappear when he wanted me most?
Why does that have to cause to much pain?
WHY is there so much pain?
Why do all my past actions seem to betray me now?
And then I remember, who cares? Or in the words of someone I trust, "Don't worry about it."
Everything happens for a reason. Everything has it's purpose.
My purpose just seems to be long gone by now.
WHY.
Why does the sky seem endless.
Why am I feeling such pain in my head all the time?
Why am I here in this bed at this exact moment?
Why am I feeling the way I do? Is it because someone else is making me feel this way?
Why did I have such feelings for Him for them to disappear when he wanted me most?
Why does that have to cause to much pain?
WHY is there so much pain?
Why do all my past actions seem to betray me now?
And then I remember, who cares? Or in the words of someone I trust, "Don't worry about it."
Everything happens for a reason. Everything has it's purpose.
My purpose just seems to be long gone by now.
Friday, April 25, 2014
Sometimes I play music while I write poetry. I choose the song that brings the mood I want. Some songs to help me come up with some insane metaphors or somethin.
The song I'm playing right now though doesn't help inspire me at all.
Yet I play it over and over again. Listening more carefully and intently every time I rewind the part with the accordion. Or the part with the saxophone.
Why?
For the same reason that despite you going to a different school walking through that one last night reminded me nothing of you.
For the same reason that just walking outside and glancing at the mountains doesn't remind me of that all nighter.
For the same reason I don't watch that instagram video over and over again.
For the same reason that I can finally get through that damn box without crying.
Because the star Rutheford doesn't remind me of you.
Because despite of the last time I went, I still can go to taco bell without feeling my heart sink.
Because I was so fixated on your shoulders that I ignored the part where your heart gave up.
Because I don't miss you. I don't miss the insane fights we had. Or the passionate make up make outs.
Or the way you looked at me like I was a piece of gold surrounded by dirt.
Or that night that we blasted 80's music and drove into the sunset.
Or that time when I was a better tuber than you.
I don't miss any of it.
The song I'm playing right now though doesn't help inspire me at all.
Yet I play it over and over again. Listening more carefully and intently every time I rewind the part with the accordion. Or the part with the saxophone.
Why?
For the same reason that despite you going to a different school walking through that one last night reminded me nothing of you.
For the same reason that just walking outside and glancing at the mountains doesn't remind me of that all nighter.
For the same reason I don't watch that instagram video over and over again.
For the same reason that I can finally get through that damn box without crying.
Because the star Rutheford doesn't remind me of you.
Because despite of the last time I went, I still can go to taco bell without feeling my heart sink.
Because I was so fixated on your shoulders that I ignored the part where your heart gave up.
Because I don't miss you. I don't miss the insane fights we had. Or the passionate make up make outs.
Or the way you looked at me like I was a piece of gold surrounded by dirt.
Or that night that we blasted 80's music and drove into the sunset.
Or that time when I was a better tuber than you.
I don't miss any of it.
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Do You Want to Know? Do I?
Ready for the worst before the damage was done. Thought I was about to get caught up in the storm.
To realize that storms with you are all but damaging. Recognizing that sparkle in your eye.
I can't disguise this anymore.
Remembering that poetry in my way out.
Remembering that redeeming blood is real.
Remembering my purpose and reevaluating my priorities.
Because I see that color in your cheeks. And you've got some aces up your sleeve.
How many secrets can you keep? Picking your out pour of words oh so carefully
,,,
Have you no idea that you're already in so deep.
Because I know when you are lying to me.
Ask me and I couldn't remember how to tell you.
You've only had a few. Do you have any idea what you're getting yourself into?
So dark and foul. With darkness being so complex. And complexity turning so red.
Sorry to interrupt.
To realize that storms with you are all but damaging. Recognizing that sparkle in your eye.
I can't disguise this anymore.
Remembering that poetry in my way out.
Remembering that redeeming blood is real.
Remembering my purpose and reevaluating my priorities.
Because I see that color in your cheeks. And you've got some aces up your sleeve.
How many secrets can you keep? Picking your out pour of words oh so carefully
,,,
Have you no idea that you're already in so deep.
Because I know when you are lying to me.
Ask me and I couldn't remember how to tell you.
You've only had a few. Do you have any idea what you're getting yourself into?
So dark and foul. With darkness being so complex. And complexity turning so red.
Sorry to interrupt.
Friday, March 28, 2014
If You Really Knew Me
Last night we were talking about a potential future together.
You said, "And this is crazy because I hardly know you."
You're right. You hardly know me. So I've decided to make a list of things about me that you probably don't know.
1. I'm secretly fond of cats... But I wouldn't ever want one...
2. It's my dream to live near a pond or lake that I can just jump in at any time. (Skinny dipping would be nice too(: )
3. If/when I have a baby girl I want to name her Henley.
4. And by the rare off chance that I have boy girl twins I want to name them Henley and Bentley.
5. I like Lilie too(:
6. I've never told a boy I was dating about this... About names I want I mean.
7. The number "7" was my soccer number my entire life. And also my lucky number.
8. When I turned 8 years old, I got a journal in which all I wrote was how much I like soda... don't even ask why.
9. My first real crush was in 4th grade. His name was Isaac.
10. When I was growing up, my mom put me in soccer, T-ball (in which I was the only girl), dance classes, gymnastics, and cheer.
11. I am an awful artist.
12. Two dream vacations. 1, Thailand... I want to pet a tiger. And 2, Tahiti- Bora Bora to be exact(:
13. I love to snack on raisins.
14. I don't like chocolate milk. Except BYU creamery chocolate milk. It's to die for.
15. I really like meat loaf.
17. My hips lie all the time. Oh wait... you knew that... (;
18. I was obsessed with Twilight before it became a movie. And I still like the books-very well written.
19. I don't care for politics much... Which I know that's what you want to go into so... You'll have to teach me.
20. Teal is my favorite color.
21. I didn't pass any of my AP tests of any of the AP classes I took.
22. I SUCK at testing.
23. I'm obsessed with the candy hearts of Valentines' day.
24. I have sooooo many different styles. Some days I dress like a hipster, a classy girl, a hobo, and a tomboy.
25. My favorite ice cream is a three-way tie between graham canyon and cookies n cream and cotton candy.
26. Favorite restaurant is Chilies.
27. Second favorite is The Pizza Factory
28. I am OBSESSED with Lake Powell and boating.
30. If I don't have a boat in my life I will bawl.
31. I am insanely good at tubing. Don't understand why, but really. I am so good.
32. I've always had a feeling that if I ever drank alcohol, I would become an alcoholic.
33. I've also had a feeling that I'm going to have a child with disabilities.
34. I have such an immense love for the elderly.
35. I have two main things I want to do before I die. 1. Para sail. 2. Scuba dive.
36. I like watching chick flicks with a boy I like more than with my girlfriends. And I love it even more if there's both.
37. I love black licorice.
38. I also love trampoline places.
39. I also love zombies. (Walking dead, WWZ, Call of Duty zombies)
40. I sometimes over think things you say or mention and it makes me sad every time I do.
41. I had mono my jr year in high school.
42. I'm really self conscious of my stomach.
43. I'm an adrenaline junkie. I've been on the skycoaster ride at lagoon seven times.
44. However, I am scared of the freefall slide at seven peaks... Never got myself to go on it.
45. I sang in choir all through Jr. High and High school.
46. And on choir tour, I hemorrhaged and had to be in the ER in California with a chaperon while all my friends were singing and playing at the beach. It was awful.
47. I loving doing adventurous things.
49. Those include things such as, jet skiing, wake boarding, skiing, playing fugitive, water rafting, four wheeling, etc(:
50. I hate olives.
Okay, well 50 seems like a lot... hope you didn't just get bored and skip to the bottom(;
...
Now this is awkward because I don't know what to say anymore.
Okay I'll just stop.
You said, "And this is crazy because I hardly know you."
You're right. You hardly know me. So I've decided to make a list of things about me that you probably don't know.
1. I'm secretly fond of cats... But I wouldn't ever want one...
2. It's my dream to live near a pond or lake that I can just jump in at any time. (Skinny dipping would be nice too(: )
3. If/when I have a baby girl I want to name her Henley.
4. And by the rare off chance that I have boy girl twins I want to name them Henley and Bentley.
5. I like Lilie too(:
6. I've never told a boy I was dating about this... About names I want I mean.
7. The number "7" was my soccer number my entire life. And also my lucky number.
8. When I turned 8 years old, I got a journal in which all I wrote was how much I like soda... don't even ask why.
9. My first real crush was in 4th grade. His name was Isaac.
10. When I was growing up, my mom put me in soccer, T-ball (in which I was the only girl), dance classes, gymnastics, and cheer.
11. I am an awful artist.
12. Two dream vacations. 1, Thailand... I want to pet a tiger. And 2, Tahiti- Bora Bora to be exact(:
13. I love to snack on raisins.
14. I don't like chocolate milk. Except BYU creamery chocolate milk. It's to die for.
15. I really like meat loaf.
17. My hips lie all the time. Oh wait... you knew that... (;
18. I was obsessed with Twilight before it became a movie. And I still like the books-very well written.
19. I don't care for politics much... Which I know that's what you want to go into so... You'll have to teach me.
20. Teal is my favorite color.
21. I didn't pass any of my AP tests of any of the AP classes I took.
22. I SUCK at testing.
23. I'm obsessed with the candy hearts of Valentines' day.
24. I have sooooo many different styles. Some days I dress like a hipster, a classy girl, a hobo, and a tomboy.
25. My favorite ice cream is a three-way tie between graham canyon and cookies n cream and cotton candy.
26. Favorite restaurant is Chilies.
27. Second favorite is The Pizza Factory
28. I am OBSESSED with Lake Powell and boating.
30. If I don't have a boat in my life I will bawl.
31. I am insanely good at tubing. Don't understand why, but really. I am so good.
32. I've always had a feeling that if I ever drank alcohol, I would become an alcoholic.
33. I've also had a feeling that I'm going to have a child with disabilities.
34. I have such an immense love for the elderly.
35. I have two main things I want to do before I die. 1. Para sail. 2. Scuba dive.
36. I like watching chick flicks with a boy I like more than with my girlfriends. And I love it even more if there's both.
37. I love black licorice.
38. I also love trampoline places.
39. I also love zombies. (Walking dead, WWZ, Call of Duty zombies)
40. I sometimes over think things you say or mention and it makes me sad every time I do.
41. I had mono my jr year in high school.
42. I'm really self conscious of my stomach.
43. I'm an adrenaline junkie. I've been on the skycoaster ride at lagoon seven times.
44. However, I am scared of the freefall slide at seven peaks... Never got myself to go on it.
45. I sang in choir all through Jr. High and High school.
46. And on choir tour, I hemorrhaged and had to be in the ER in California with a chaperon while all my friends were singing and playing at the beach. It was awful.
47. I loving doing adventurous things.
49. Those include things such as, jet skiing, wake boarding, skiing, playing fugitive, water rafting, four wheeling, etc(:
50. I hate olives.
Okay, well 50 seems like a lot... hope you didn't just get bored and skip to the bottom(;
...
Now this is awkward because I don't know what to say anymore.
Okay I'll just stop.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Some Beautiful Rebellion
The one thing I know that's true,
It's not what you say, it's what you do.
And you, my dear, must be doing something right.
Because love use to be kind. And make life bright.
But then all it did was make me blind and shaken.
Quiver in the darkness and curse beneath the lovers eyes.
But you blew into my life, startling me and my touch.
Whispering soft poetry into my ear at night.
Turning intensity into something to be yearned.
And gazing into sweet nothingness everyday at noon.
I wanted to feel nothing and leave this broken heart to die.
Was it too much to ask that I just sing along to some other melody? And shoot for some other kind of stars? Because these stars were not my friends.
I didn't even know that stars had enemies.
But you must be one of them if you went against
they're judgment and came for me.
A whole new harmony that was incredible to the touch.
And when you'd touch my skin, I know you are risking it all.
You are shouting to the sunset that you don't care.
Please, my dear. Keep this beautiful rebellion alive.
And join this mess of gorgeous chaos that I call my home.
It's not what you say, it's what you do.
And you, my dear, must be doing something right.
Because love use to be kind. And make life bright.
But then all it did was make me blind and shaken.
Quiver in the darkness and curse beneath the lovers eyes.
But you blew into my life, startling me and my touch.
Whispering soft poetry into my ear at night.
Turning intensity into something to be yearned.
And gazing into sweet nothingness everyday at noon.
I wanted to feel nothing and leave this broken heart to die.
Was it too much to ask that I just sing along to some other melody? And shoot for some other kind of stars? Because these stars were not my friends.
I didn't even know that stars had enemies.
But you must be one of them if you went against
they're judgment and came for me.
A whole new harmony that was incredible to the touch.
And when you'd touch my skin, I know you are risking it all.
You are shouting to the sunset that you don't care.
Please, my dear. Keep this beautiful rebellion alive.
And join this mess of gorgeous chaos that I call my home.
Friday, March 21, 2014
All Because I Can't Get You Out Of My Head.
You're crazy. There's no other explanation.
You are completely insane.
You were crazy the day you decided you wanted more than the "ncmo."
You were crazy two nights ago when you told me you wanted to be committed to me.
You were crazy when you told me about your past yesterday morning.
You were crazy to tell me those three words last night. The three words that had once meant everything to me. Three words that he made into a lie. Into something I'm scared of instead of reaching for.
The three words that have more promises behind them than anyone could ever know.
You are crazy to say I love you to a girl who is leaving in three months.
You are crazy to say I love you after only a month of knowing me.
You are crazy to forget about life for once and stay inside with me all day.
You are crazy to lie to your work saying your sick just to sit around and do nothing with me all day.
You are crazy, with your past, to tell me "No." when I wanted more.
You are crazy, kid.
And now I'm crazy for thinking about nothing but last night and those three words you can't seem to stop repeating.
I'm crazy for going over that moment you woke up and pulled my body into yours in my head over and over again.
I'm crazy for getting the feeling in my stomach every time I think about you telling me you love me.
I know I'm not crazy for not saying it back,
but am I crazy for thinking that I might be starting to fall too?
Crazy all around.
I love crazy.
You are completely insane.
You were crazy the day you decided you wanted more than the "ncmo."
You were crazy two nights ago when you told me you wanted to be committed to me.
You were crazy when you told me about your past yesterday morning.
You were crazy to tell me those three words last night. The three words that had once meant everything to me. Three words that he made into a lie. Into something I'm scared of instead of reaching for.
The three words that have more promises behind them than anyone could ever know.
You are crazy to say I love you to a girl who is leaving in three months.
You are crazy to say I love you after only a month of knowing me.
You are crazy to forget about life for once and stay inside with me all day.
You are crazy to lie to your work saying your sick just to sit around and do nothing with me all day.
You are crazy, with your past, to tell me "No." when I wanted more.
You are crazy, kid.
And now I'm crazy for thinking about nothing but last night and those three words you can't seem to stop repeating.
I'm crazy for going over that moment you woke up and pulled my body into yours in my head over and over again.
I'm crazy for getting the feeling in my stomach every time I think about you telling me you love me.
I know I'm not crazy for not saying it back,
but am I crazy for thinking that I might be starting to fall too?
Crazy all around.
I love crazy.
Friday, March 14, 2014
Because I am not okay.
I climbed into my bed feeling giddy.
It was strange actually. Feeling giddy again. Almost too strange.
But then I fell asleep. And just like every other night in this endless train of pillows I don't want to lay my head on, I dreamed of you.
And just like this muscle spasm deep in my gut, my dreams of you never seem to just leave me alone.
Always itching for me to notice the irritation again.
You basically told me everything you told Jessica that one time on the phone.
I had to relive the whole thing.
It was awful.
And all I did was tell you that my love was real. Tell you that when I looked into those, oh so familiar, eyes and said,
"I am hopelessly in love with you."
That
I MEANT IT.
And as difficult as trying to portray my feelings into words, here I am trying to describe the indescribable to a blank screen. And to no one that cares.
And all I do is wipe my face and my runny nose over and over and over again.
And in the end, it was all for nothing.
And if I could go back in time and not go to the haunted forest that night, I would.
I regret it all.
Because
I am not okay.
And the thought of you being okay is too much on this shriveled up heart.
It was strange actually. Feeling giddy again. Almost too strange.
But then I fell asleep. And just like every other night in this endless train of pillows I don't want to lay my head on, I dreamed of you.
And just like this muscle spasm deep in my gut, my dreams of you never seem to just leave me alone.
Always itching for me to notice the irritation again.
You basically told me everything you told Jessica that one time on the phone.
I had to relive the whole thing.
It was awful.
And all I did was tell you that my love was real. Tell you that when I looked into those, oh so familiar, eyes and said,
"I am hopelessly in love with you."
That
I MEANT IT.
And as difficult as trying to portray my feelings into words, here I am trying to describe the indescribable to a blank screen. And to no one that cares.
And all I do is wipe my face and my runny nose over and over and over again.
And in the end, it was all for nothing.
And if I could go back in time and not go to the haunted forest that night, I would.
I regret it all.
Because
I am not okay.
And the thought of you being okay is too much on this shriveled up heart.
Ya know. For a little while there I almost thought this might be remotely as hard for you as it is for me.
But there you go. Acting more like a bird who has finally learned how to use his wings.
And here I stay. Stumbling around like a bird with wings that are now broken.
The bitter taste of rejection is more powerful than I knew. And the smell of smoke is now normal.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Paint Dropping
Thought I'd moved on. Then you brought me right back.
From the night you took my kiss away from me. I took yours too. Then I lost you.
Like paint through my fingers.
Like one thread that I couldn't resist on pulling- everything unraveled.
I lost you.
Every part of me is broken now. I tried to scream.
But still I can't explain. Like trying to describe what salt tastes like-impossible.
You were my everything.
Then you were suddenly you were my nothing.
From the night you took my kiss away from me. I took yours too. Then I lost you.
Like paint through my fingers.
Like one thread that I couldn't resist on pulling- everything unraveled.
I lost you.
Every part of me is broken now. I tried to scream.
But still I can't explain. Like trying to describe what salt tastes like-impossible.
You were my everything.
Then you were suddenly you were my nothing.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Gently, Please.
I lay here in the tub. Water drained, bubbles still surround me.
Heart empty, chest heavy, cheeks stained.
Resisting the forbidden urges.
Trying to remember how I felt in the July rain.
Holding hands. Eating cheeseburgers. Poppin some gum for a few minutes.
Then making out until my face is completely flushed red.
Then going and getting ice cream.
Every part of me is broken now.
I said I loved you. And it scared me. You scared me.
Bring me back.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
I Couldn't Remember To Be Strong
I fell asleep last night with the thought of you on my mind. And the thought of all my other friends. You know, the ones who actually care about me being the happiest I could be?
I woke up with bright blue and yellow colors surrounding me. Athen is shaking me awake. He says,
"I can't believe that you fell asleep! We're gonna be late now."
I say, "Why? Were we supposed to do something?"
Then we are outside, walking toward a motorhome.
"Where are we going?" But it's as if he can't hear anything I'm saying.
Ash appears, whispering to me,
"It's gonna be okay. This is what you truly want."
I want to ask her where we are going. I want to ask what it is that they want me to do. I can't find my mouth. My mouth is gone. Only eyes and ears seem to be.
Another van pulls up next to us, then I see Carley and Chance. They roll down the window and beg for me to come with them instead.
I woke up with bright blue and yellow colors surrounding me. Athen is shaking me awake. He says,
"I can't believe that you fell asleep! We're gonna be late now."
I say, "Why? Were we supposed to do something?"
Then we are outside, walking toward a motorhome.
"Where are we going?" But it's as if he can't hear anything I'm saying.
Ash appears, whispering to me,
"It's gonna be okay. This is what you truly want."
I want to ask her where we are going. I want to ask what it is that they want me to do. I can't find my mouth. My mouth is gone. Only eyes and ears seem to be.
Another van pulls up next to us, then I see Carley and Chance. They roll down the window and beg for me to come with them instead.
I look to the back seat and see the outline of a head. Is that..? No. It couldn't be him.
Athen is behind me and says, "We've got a long drive ahead of us. You promised you would come with us."
I'm so confused. I'm so tired. I just want to cry. I don't know what's wrong with me.
Sage walks out from inside the motorhome next to Athen. I'm so relieved. I look at her with urgency in my eyes, begging that she will understand why I feel so confused and weak. Then she plants one right on Athens' mouth.
Athen is behind me and says, "We've got a long drive ahead of us. You promised you would come with us."
I'm so confused. I'm so tired. I just want to cry. I don't know what's wrong with me.
Sage walks out from inside the motorhome next to Athen. I'm so relieved. I look at her with urgency in my eyes, begging that she will understand why I feel so confused and weak. Then she plants one right on Athens' mouth.
What the hell?
Then my ears are gone too. But my mouth is back. My knees buckle and I fall to the ground. Just kidding, now I'm on a bed. My friends disappear all but Athen. I yell at him saying "You can't be with Sage! You can't love her! She deserves John!"
He looks at me confused. And says,
"You hit your head again last night. I never kissed Sage. But I'll kiss you better."
Again, what the hell?
I smack him so hard that his face changes. I can't tell who he is now. Some stranger that might have been.
Now I'm in the back of purpsta. I'm so confused. I just want to pull my hair out to feel something real again.
Carlos is driving. The only one who I would trust driving my stick. He looks at my through the mirror and says,
"I've missed you Mel. I wish you missed me more than you miss him."
I don't even pretend to question it. I know he's right. And that knowledge makes me sick.
I scream so loud. Begging this pain to stop. I scream so loud. Wanting to see him. To feel his hand on my cheek again. To feel him pull my body into his. Why am I so weak?
Now I'm on a roller coaster. The spider to be exact. Trevor is next to me. He looks at me and says,
"Goodbye Melly Jelly. I'll miss you." He then unhooked our cart from the tracks and we are falling to our deaths. I'm almost relieved.
Now I'm in the parking lot with the motor home and the van. My friends are gone. Then I hear him.
"Mel. I've missed you."
I spin around and there he is. Just like I remember him. A cream shirt and dirty jeans from a long day at work. I see that scar on this hand and that vein on his forehead. Every fiber in my body is aching to touch him. To feel him again.
"Come to me. I will hold you until every star falls from the sky. I will love you always and forever."
Now Athen is behind me.
"Don't do it Mel. Don't go with him. Your promised you would come with us, remember?"
I turn towards Athen and say, "You understand."
I turn back towards him. I start running to him. Every step closer my heart beats faster. Just when I'm about to touch him, Jenna's alarm goes off. I sit up and gasp. Tears running down my cheeks.
I couldn't remember how to be strong.
Will I ever become strong enough?
Thursday, February 20, 2014
I'm sitting there in the corner. Hands covering my face, trying to hide the fact that it has turned into one big swollen creature. Uncontrollable breathing that hiccups ever two seconds.
Feeling so worthless. Feeling worth literally NOTHING at all.
So do me a favor. Stop.
Stop complaining that I hand out with a friend that actually makes time to come and see me.
Because that's a whole hell of a lot more than you are doing.
You tell me he is a bad guy when you are the one that builds up my hopes just to break them down.
You are the one that makes promises that you have no intent on keeping.
You are the one that can take me down with just one single blow.
And really? He is twice the man you will ever be. And he's just my friend. You are supposed to be the one who loves me.
Feeling so worthless. Feeling worth literally NOTHING at all.
So do me a favor. Stop.
Stop complaining that I hand out with a friend that actually makes time to come and see me.
Because that's a whole hell of a lot more than you are doing.
You tell me he is a bad guy when you are the one that builds up my hopes just to break them down.
You are the one that makes promises that you have no intent on keeping.
You are the one that can take me down with just one single blow.
And really? He is twice the man you will ever be. And he's just my friend. You are supposed to be the one who loves me.
I Miss You 2249
That's who you are to me now. 2249.
Just another number. Another number that I dialed through my life.
Another number to add to the list.
5073
3922
0465
6362
7521
and now you.
2249
Your number has always been different. From the beginning. Something of curiosity and wonder.
Something of a fresh breath, full of voluptuous smells and bright colors.
But just like the rest of them, your numbers were not in sync with the rest of mine.
Too bad I miss you so much.
Just another number. Another number that I dialed through my life.
Another number to add to the list.
5073
3922
0465
6362
7521
and now you.
2249
Your number has always been different. From the beginning. Something of curiosity and wonder.
Something of a fresh breath, full of voluptuous smells and bright colors.
But just like the rest of them, your numbers were not in sync with the rest of mine.
Too bad I miss you so much.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Loving Him Was Red
Memorizing him was easy as singing along to that cheesy Taylor Swift song in 8th grade.
The way he moved was a full on rain storm.
He was the kind of safety that drew me in.
Close enough to touch.
Close enough to feel your breath on the top of my head.
Close enough to never let you go.
My heart would always remember to remind me that you were a good idea.
My guard was non-existent
You come back in flash backs. From the sparks to the sorrows.
Reminding me that I was worth everything to you. Worth enough to steal your moms phone at night and talk till 6am.
So please remember. Remember me. Remember us.
Remember the night with the chocolate on your shirt.
Remember the night that you said you would never let me go.
So never let me go.
Meet me in the pouring rain and remind me how it felt to be loved.
Kiss me on the sidewalk and take away the pain.
Loving you was red.
Burning red.
But losing you was black. Cold. Hopeless. Alone.
.
The way he moved was a full on rain storm.
He was the kind of safety that drew me in.
Close enough to touch.
Close enough to feel your breath on the top of my head.
Close enough to never let you go.
My heart would always remember to remind me that you were a good idea.
My guard was non-existent
You come back in flash backs. From the sparks to the sorrows.
Reminding me that I was worth everything to you. Worth enough to steal your moms phone at night and talk till 6am.
So please remember. Remember me. Remember us.
Remember the night with the chocolate on your shirt.
Remember the night that you said you would never let me go.
So never let me go.
Meet me in the pouring rain and remind me how it felt to be loved.
Kiss me on the sidewalk and take away the pain.
Loving you was red.
Burning red.
But losing you was black. Cold. Hopeless. Alone.
.
Blast From The Past
I use to scroll right past all your pictures. You and all you're new friends. Moved on. Starting your new life.
Then you sent me that one messaged that brought all of that back.
The good 'ol days I mean.
The days when everything was as simple as left or right. Truth or dare.
Is he going to hold my hand? Should I let go as soon as it gets sweaty?
Should I tell him to stop swearing? The scandal that I was holding your hand while I was on a date with him.
I miss that. I miss riding their bus on Fridays.
I miss playing soccer at the park. Or walking through the creek.
I miss knowing that going home at 11:00 is the worst thing in the world.
I miss you. And him. And her. And him. And them.
Hopefully I'll see you again.
Hopefully you won't forget me.
Then you sent me that one messaged that brought all of that back.
The good 'ol days I mean.
The days when everything was as simple as left or right. Truth or dare.
Is he going to hold my hand? Should I let go as soon as it gets sweaty?
Should I tell him to stop swearing? The scandal that I was holding your hand while I was on a date with him.
I miss that. I miss riding their bus on Fridays.
I miss playing soccer at the park. Or walking through the creek.
I miss knowing that going home at 11:00 is the worst thing in the world.
I miss you. And him. And her. And him. And them.
Hopefully I'll see you again.
Hopefully you won't forget me.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
White Story Turned Red
When I was nine years old, my daddy once said,
"You have control of your choices, but you don't have control over the consequences."
This year has brought those words to life. Breathing in that freedom air deep into the core of my body. Stepping closer to the edge of the cliff, teasing the water below with hopes I'm going to say yes to adrenaline and say no to the caution. I took your hand, looked into your eyes, receiving a glimpse into my future. Into our future. We will leap. And fall. And hit. But it's okay because you will hold my hand the entire way down.
Ignoring the words of my loved ones, saying to them,
"This is my life. I get to choose how I live it."
And so I jumped. And fell. And hit.
Any you... didn't.
Okay stop.
This story is just as pathetic as the rest of them. And I want to see a happy ending just as much as the last girl did. But that's the thing about this life. There are rarely happy endings. At least not yet.
So do me a favor and stop complaining about your irritated eye. Or you selfish jealousy. Because you, my dear, are just one more wall blocking my way to a desolate place. A place where I can forget about the pressure taking away the sound of my heartbeat.
Something other than this credential life.
"You have control of your choices, but you don't have control over the consequences."
This year has brought those words to life. Breathing in that freedom air deep into the core of my body. Stepping closer to the edge of the cliff, teasing the water below with hopes I'm going to say yes to adrenaline and say no to the caution. I took your hand, looked into your eyes, receiving a glimpse into my future. Into our future. We will leap. And fall. And hit. But it's okay because you will hold my hand the entire way down.
Ignoring the words of my loved ones, saying to them,
"This is my life. I get to choose how I live it."
And so I jumped. And fell. And hit.
Any you... didn't.
Okay stop.
This story is just as pathetic as the rest of them. And I want to see a happy ending just as much as the last girl did. But that's the thing about this life. There are rarely happy endings. At least not yet.
So do me a favor and stop complaining about your irritated eye. Or you selfish jealousy. Because you, my dear, are just one more wall blocking my way to a desolate place. A place where I can forget about the pressure taking away the sound of my heartbeat.
Something other than this credential life.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
I'm Bitter... And I Miss You.
Silencing my them to whispers. Calling with so many desperate dropping heads.
I quiet all my screaming through all the stupid customers and self-righteous neighbors.
Until I'm alone to my writing. I paint my anger with solitudes and hand prints.
I'm bitter because you have made me so. Can you make me do something?
With those desirable lips and soft arms. Manipulation so pathetic that I break down under the hot water. Pulling my hair until that pain becomes more than the kind that is swallowing my insides through a straw. Sucking the breath from my lungs. Leaving nothing for me other than giving my eyes the gift to cry. Hostile words with unimaginable intentions.
Closing my eyes and thinking "I hate you. Get away from me."
But screw this pain because I miss you.
I quiet all my screaming through all the stupid customers and self-righteous neighbors.
Until I'm alone to my writing. I paint my anger with solitudes and hand prints.
I'm bitter because you have made me so. Can you make me do something?
With those desirable lips and soft arms. Manipulation so pathetic that I break down under the hot water. Pulling my hair until that pain becomes more than the kind that is swallowing my insides through a straw. Sucking the breath from my lungs. Leaving nothing for me other than giving my eyes the gift to cry. Hostile words with unimaginable intentions.
Closing my eyes and thinking "I hate you. Get away from me."
But screw this pain because I miss you.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
Briskly Slipping Sideways
I've never been fixated on this skin before. The one that swallows up the emptiness.
Side tracking on shoulders. Ahh. The shoulders. One beautifully painless weakness of mine.
Such space that greets with pleasure and pride. Whimpering that some were meant to fall in love.
Creating shelter in this hell hole as a bed.
Colliding with the lies for eternity.
With fading ink yet impossible erase marks.
Suddenly so close to being yours. So darling, would you stay with me?
But some weren't meant to stay in love.
Owing me something of an optimistic ending.
Silence so beautiful that it's aches the heart to sleep.
Voicing the sharps like cream.
"I will not love you always."
This crisp air biting on the nail buds. Listening to the whistles of the autum leaves.
Letting you go was never in the cards for me.
Sideways, I will be.
Understood, something I will never be.Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Life is a Funny and Cruel Thing
Funny. Growing into a person that I thought I could only be with you.
Funny. Trying to inhale the last bits of this scent while I'm walking away from that field of daffodils.
Funny how the absence of the smell aches me deep in my bones all while my fingers dig into my scalp wondering what it is about you that keeps me up rolling around swimming through my constant thoughts.
Cruel. Stabbing my hands with your words. Binding me to the present. Sucking any breaths of the future. Staining my heart with wonders and curiosity.
The kind that while leaving a print, sinks it deeper. And the only way to rise it back up is to remove those beautifully dark promises. The kind that so gently yet so painfully and slowly break the promises.
Cruel.
Cruel thing when life offers me the cup.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Candy Hearts.
Reminding you.
Wanting to remind you that I still love all of you.
Reminding you that I miss EVERYTHING about you.
Because I miss you. And your tan arms and your white shoulders.
I miss laying on your chest and you flex. Oh so slowly so I won't catch you trying to show off, but rather just feel how strong you are.
It makes me smile thinking about how freaking clever I was when I placed that candy heart in your hand. You know. The one that said "I <3 you" ?
And you smiled and tried to find my eyes? But I looked away.
I meant what I said.
Silly how just a little candy heart could make me feel so giddy.
Wanting to remind you that I still love all of you.
Reminding you that I miss EVERYTHING about you.
Because I miss you. And your tan arms and your white shoulders.
I miss laying on your chest and you flex. Oh so slowly so I won't catch you trying to show off, but rather just feel how strong you are.
It makes me smile thinking about how freaking clever I was when I placed that candy heart in your hand. You know. The one that said "I <3 you" ?
And you smiled and tried to find my eyes? But I looked away.
I meant what I said.
Silly how just a little candy heart could make me feel so giddy.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Friday, January 17, 2014
And Some Nights I Hemorrhage Weakness
Tonight is one of those night. That missing you became fatal.
Pictures, memories flushing through my mind.
Tonight is one of those nights. Where I cry. And then cry harder.
That picture where I am folded into the shape of your body. Like we are just pieces of a puzzle.
And then I cry harder. Looking into those eyes.
The ones that were so determined to protect even just my fragile hands.
I miss that.
When did missing you become so painful?
Maybe because missing you is weakness.
And because weakness is painful.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Goodnight To My Tears.
Time. Has come at last. For you to be swiped from my life.
Time to clean out the parts of me that crave you. That need you.
Clear my head from your manipulations. Learn how to live without your touch guiding my way.
Learn how to guide myself. Let The Lord guide me. Let him let me forget your smell.
Say goodbye to this unhealthy addiction.
Live through these painful withdrawals when I crave you once again.
Let myself cry when I miss you.
But wipe the tears after I'm finished and move on to my next activity.
Goodnight my love.
Maybe soon I'll be able to call you something else.
Or hopefully I won't call you anything at all.
Monday, January 13, 2014
Always and Forever. Silly Thing.
I remember the day I called you and told you about those words.
You were thrilled that we had found some words that could some how describe our indescribable bond.
A bond so strong that even when others would pull us apart, our love was stronger than ever.
But now. How can you say these new words?
How can you say that you won't always want me?
How can you say now that forever is not a promise anymore?
You remember right? You remember saying that you would love me? Always and forever?
Hmm. What a silly thing to believe.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Friday, January 3, 2014
He Will Be Loved
Drinking to the love and leaves that you are clinging to.
Swallowing them whole because you don't know how to live without them.
Sleeping away in your nightmares because their more hopeful than the nightmares while you're awake.
Laying there, next to her, listening to the slow music wishing she were someone else.
Telling yourself it's okay because you are "making her happy."
When in reality, all you're doing is building her hopes up to send them crashing down to the ground.
Giving yourself false hope and an easy way out.
Well it's time my friend. WAKE UP.
Now instead of drowning in your sorrows, step outside of them.
Recognize what you do have. Because this is pathetic.
And you've lost our sympathy.
Look at your family. Look at your friends who love you. Even look at that dog who sits by your side always.
Step outside of yourself for once.
But you won't. You won't listen to me. Because you are selfish. Because you are self-centered.
Because you will be loved. Even if you are lying to those sweet girls beside you, telling them that they are the best thing that has ever happened to you. And it only proves one thing.
That you are a liar.
Swallowing them whole because you don't know how to live without them.
Sleeping away in your nightmares because their more hopeful than the nightmares while you're awake.
Laying there, next to her, listening to the slow music wishing she were someone else.
Telling yourself it's okay because you are "making her happy."
When in reality, all you're doing is building her hopes up to send them crashing down to the ground.
Giving yourself false hope and an easy way out.
Well it's time my friend. WAKE UP.
Now instead of drowning in your sorrows, step outside of them.
Recognize what you do have. Because this is pathetic.
And you've lost our sympathy.
Look at your family. Look at your friends who love you. Even look at that dog who sits by your side always.
Step outside of yourself for once.
But you won't. You won't listen to me. Because you are selfish. Because you are self-centered.
Because you will be loved. Even if you are lying to those sweet girls beside you, telling them that they are the best thing that has ever happened to you. And it only proves one thing.
That you are a liar.
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