From Allie

And there I am. Falling to my broken knees. Again. Buried in the mess I made.

With him to my left and him to my right. And there they are. Standing on the sidelines ready to call

to me with encouragement. More words that I stupidly throw away.

And there you are. Rising from under times that I shoved you into. Screw those messy times.

I love that. I love that you rise. I love that you sing my song. I love that you play with my hair when I fall asleep on your lap.

Do you hear them? The paintings I make in my head? With you? And me? FOREVER. 

Do you taste that? The aching need I feel for you every time you kiss me? 

And do you feel that? The sense of home that comes to my heart everytime you touch my face? 

Your finger tips across my skin? Your lips that explore the surfaces of my neck?

I love it. I love the way you make me feel. I love that your eyes are the last image that flushes through  my mind before I fall into those dreams I dream with your hands. 

Do you notice my shoulders? Because I notice yours. 

I notice how when you wrestle me you never hurt me even though you could snap me in half.

Because you, my Noah, are my bliss. And without you, I feel small again.

And you settle down with me. And you hold me in your arms. 

And you feel like falling in love. And you're my safety. 

And you kiss me. Like you want to be loved. BY ME.

And I'm a stupid woman. Because you were always my guitar solos. ALWAYS. 

The one thing that satisfied my thirst. The only arms that were strong enough to hold me.

I love you Noah. 

Always and forever. 

My Noah

With every step I take, I hear that crunch that satisfies. 

Singing in harmony with those aching bruises. 

Until one step I don't hear the crunch. 

I look down and pick up half of a heart and  with curious lips I kiss the pain away. 

No more crunching. At least to today, darling. 

But I deserve more than this. And you deserve more than me.

But some things were meant to be. 

So would you please just take my hand and take my whole life too.

Cause with one glance at those blue jewels and one stroke of those scars, I'm dust again.

Because you are the shooting star I've been waiting for. 

Except you've been here all along but how come I've missed you terribly?

You are my Noah. 

So sing my song into our white house with blue shutters. 

Falling like Raindrops.

My mind starts flipping through the memories and then halts.

I go to that auditorium. The air around me screaming with silence. Then the voices come in all at once.

The harmony is so indescribably beautiful that I feel the air start chilling my body from my shoulders to my scalp. 

The warmth so consuming i find it hard to breathe. 

Without notice tears start falling like raindrops. 

I remember the smiles and the undeniably joy through their eyes.

I want this. For me. All my doubts and fears wash away from me like slipping paint.

Hope and happiness come all at once.

I now find it silly I was once thinking about sacrifice this. 

Funny. Sad. Wrong. 

These tears falling through this smile decribes me.

And I'm home. 

Screw This.

And here I am. Crying over him for no damn good reason at all.

Because I miss him. And I don't even know what I miss... 

The fallen self esteem? The guilt? 

Or the trampolines? Or the ed sheeran station? 

Whatever the hell it is, I miss it. 

Hopefully this ache will end soon. 

And then I can give you everything. 

I've Given Up On Him.

He said nothing.

I would've given him everything but now I feel so small.

I was over my head and I knew nothing.

I would've followed him anywhere.

And I realize how naive to danger I was.

I just couldn't get to him. And now I'm going to swallow my pride.

Because I know you love me. I know you do. I see it in those eyes in those short 6 seconds. 

And I look at those lips knowing I can't have them.

Even though you're willing to catch me and never let me feel this pathetic again.

So why can't I just give everything to you? Because you, darling, and worth the wait.

So why can't I let myself fall in love with you all over again?

Because I can't take my eyes off you. But I can't have you. Because you deserve someone better.

And I can't give my small hands up to your willing strong hands until I am that better person. 

I love you.

And can we pretend that's enough for one night? 

Because I'm needing your arms around me right now. 

Complexity is Red.

I blinked and now I'm losing grip on the bands that tell my story.

And turn towards the trees and gasp for the air that's decided to suffocate me.

And I cover my eyes and scream until the voices go away.

And then I drop, and suddenly there isn't anything higher

I look down on my brittle hands seeing them peel apart layer by layer till they've reached their very vulnerable center.

And I feel nothing.

And I breathe in the desperation of every tragic love story that is out there sympathizing with them and their torn up finger nails.

And I plead with no one but myself. To remember the sunsets and the guitar solos.

And I start to cry, throwing up the memories again. 

Back myself into a corner weeping with the floor boards from the pain from all this weight.

And then I catch myself starting to tear apart my own finger nails.

And then I remember that face. And then that other face. And they start blur by as my mind starts fast forwarding through them as if my heart can't take it anymore.

And then I decide to put trust in my mind and not my heart.
Then I stop writing and look up wondering why my writing brings nothing by darkness.
And I realize that happiness is simple and darkness is complex.

They Pretended To Love Me.

Doubt.
The one who pretended to be my best friend.
Fear.
The one who pretended to protect me.
Together they showed me a way out of the stress and the pressure.
They threw me into this life and all I saw was the bright colors and the warm breeze.
I saw the passion of the fight and tasted the sweet flavor of freedom.
Then I hit.
I crashed.
I burned.
I cried.
Alone.
He turned out to be nothing of a friend; but a distraction. Block me from the view of happiness with the lies of an easy way out.
She ended up not protecting me; but hurting me. Throwing me into the cold with nothing to do but watch the crystals frost on the ends of my hair.
And I was helpless.
Then. I figured out that they are not loving me. They are hating me. They are my enemies. They are what I need to avoid.
 Because doubting myself brings me down to where my knees can't find the ground anymore.
And fear holds me back from what I need to become who I AM. I am a girl with an entire life ahead of her. And those head lights are nothing to doubt or fear; because they are only going to guide her to her bliss.

Pasts and Regrets.

With my pasts, I've never regretted them.
The slow dances with those strong hands that worked so hard to not let go of my small fumbling fingers.
The never ending conversations that flew deep into the night.
The way he never tried to touch me. The respect he had for me. For himself.
But this past. I regret. If I could go back in time and tell myself to listen to the loving voices around me, I would. Even if it would erase the orange chicken and guitar solos.
If I could go back to how it was before I would. Maybe I can. But this bitterness, will never go away.
The feeling of never being enough. The feeling of helplessness.
The wasted gas money.
The blame.
The excuses.
The poetry that disappointed me.
I regret it all.

Because There Are Too Many Words.

First time around and you were so wonderful.
As the passion died and the fighting fire dimmed.
And I realized the mistake. Cause that's what that was.
I should have listened. And now I truly apologize for not listening to them.
Because they love me in the selfless way. Wanting nothing but the best for me.
And I was blinded by the thrill of the ride. And the rush of the fall; not anticipating the moment when I hit.
And it's a terrible love. And now I'm walking with spiders.
I keep telling myself that it was real. At least for a little bit. But I'm just kidding myself aren't I?
And I'm so confused. Because of the perfection. The "right"ness about us.
All to learn that it was nothing but another test of my now broken self esteem.
To remind me that I'm not enough. To remind me that I threw away that chocolate for nothing.
Because She can help you move on. And so can She.  But not me.
Sacrifice is giving something up for something better. Those were not sacrifices.
That was me thinking of you. And you thinking of you.
And your fingertips across my skin.
The sweetest sadness in your eyes. Clever trick.
"I never want to see you unhappy."
Thank you for finally doing something for me.
We walked along a crowded street. You took my hand and we started dancing through the fire.
I thought you wanted the same for me.
You left, you kissed my lips.
Should have known this would bring me heart ache. Almost lovers always do.
And I think about that night. The one with you begging for my honesty. Telling me to let you in too.
Now I wish I could go back so I could tell myself to never let myself out.
Put me on hold?
Anything is possible.
But hopes were destroyed long before now.