I Remember Our Summer Under The Moon

Wasn't planning in posting this on here, but you wanted to read it. So here you go:)

I remember.

I remember the moment you saw me as an option for you're own selfish flirting.

I remember when I saw you as the same.

I remember the chocolate stares I would catch. And the bubbles in my hair.

I remember feeling your hands touch my waste for the first time.

I remember the cotton candy ice cream and the long personal talks we'd share.

I remember when it wasn't so selfish anymore.

And I remember how idiotic you felt when I rejected your kiss. 

And I remember laughing.

I remember this dollar. And when you ripped it.

I remember the cheesiness everyone felt when I made you promise to keep one half and I would keep the other.

So I kept that promise. Here it is. And here it will stay.

Lastly, I remember the moon.

Do you remember too?

That's a Lot of Pills

You really are sick aren't you? You're turning your blood into alcohol. And your heart into stone. 

And you're not ready to start healing.

And because I'm not ready to start breaking. So grant me the parting glass. 

Maybe I should let you go. 

I know where your corner is. 

Should you summon me into it with you, you'll see me start to break down into dust. Little by little I will fly away from you. 

Because your real poetry disappoints me. 

You know what I meant when I said your time to be happy was coming. But it's my time to be happy too.

And you watched me watching the ceiling. I told you you to let me in. 

But it's time you let yourself out. 

Remember lagoon? Remember Lilo and stitch? Remember when you wished it was you?

Now it is. Now what? Because I've seen storms. And I've laid there as the hail pounded me to the ground. And left scars. 

I see yours. And I see you. And I accept you. Wanting to love you. But how can I if all it does is leave me feeling more worthless than I did before I walked down in your basement?

 I mean a lot to you. Just not enough. And those pills won't work until you let them. 

I lay here feeling sick and alone. Getting nothing but casual texts. 

Tomorrow will be interesting. Not knowing what he'll do when he sees me.

Hoping for the best. Expecting the worst.

Everyone has to move on some day. 

Falling asleep into the dreams that terrify me most.

The nightmares that summon me to a night full of heart break and screams. 

I await for the dream that gives me hope instead of doubt.

Can't come soon enough.

It'll Be Alright

I catch myself staring. Catch my heart skip a beat. Turn around catch the tear just before it soaks the floor.

And my smiles are screaming with bright colors. And I turn around and the colors fade turning gray. 

My stomach sinks and I throw up the memories again. This time almost suffocating. It's not him. It's the times. The dancing in the rain. The corsages. 

Then I remind myself that because my body is weak doesn't mean my heart is.

And my mind is clear now that I see you. 

It'll be alright. 

Congrats.

 I stand there blinking away as my rage betrays me. Screaming to my memory to have mercy and let me forget. But he pulls up a chair enjoying the sight of my never ending pile of tissues. And I smell the burnt hair and taste the sweet sweet flavor of revenge. Seeking to aim the control that had once fallen through my fingers. Hell, I've been through this too many times before. You're bringing me down. Now I'm on my knees. Out here in the cold. With my own hands to hold. 

And he forces me to hug him. I grit my teeth together while pleading with God to have him let go this time. 

And I run. And run. To those stars that promise me a sweet welcome with hope and love. 

And I throw away the thought of you and you begging me not to stop when you're so close. And hate myself even more than before. And I hate you too. I hate that with two words you still have the power to send my tears streaming down my already stained cheek bones. And I hate you because of it. And feel helpless against your words that sent me into a high that I never wanted to slip out from.

I take the smell of your breath that my neck use to yearn for and send it shooting down to the ground. And I take my obsession with that crease in your shoulder and shove it down your throat. 

And I walk away. Even if I hate myself even more with every step I take away from you. 

Damn it, kid. 

Or should I rather say congrats. 

You just made me feel smaller than you ever have before.

Oh wait, that's possible?

Sure as hell is.

Remember my smile when you blink the night away trying to fall asleep.

And remember the way you stomped my self worth underneath your filthy futsol shoes. 

And with every look at that chaired hair on your knee, remember the way my fingers felt when I traced those scars. 

Remember manipulation is a two way streak my dear. 

The Things That Kill Me... Make Me Feel Alive

Screaming until my lungs cry out in pain. Then scream louder.

As if falling off that cliff is bad enough, turn around and fall backwards.

Falling for someone. Who is in love with someone else.

Feeling the rush of the drop. Throw myhands in the air.

Go into a bull fight. Wearing all red.

Feel the breath of the wolf on your face. Challenge him.

Feeling my body breaking. Toss myself into the river.

Climbing your wall. Diving head first to the other side.

Meet death. Greet him with a smile. 

Something new. Something different.

Took a chance on a bruised and beaten heart.

Realized from the start

you wanted what you had. 

I miss the way he made me feel pretty. 

Now I don't feel pretty enough.

Took a chance on a blank, new life.

Should of known from the start 

those fake laughs and lip gloss smiles were masks.

I miss the way they made me feel missed

Now I feel unwelcome.

Stronger Ropes

Comes back and makes you catch her when she falls.
Looks through those glassy polished eyes
and with one blink you're enslaved.
Enslaved in that hole that you are digging your way out of.
Torn up fingernails, hanging out dry.
The rope that keeps you tied down to the bottom.
Bleeding knuckles screaming the need for miserable love songs.
Now it's 3am and the water never stops running.
Another rope hits your shoulder and you look up.
Noticed the water stopped. Noticed the air was still.
"Grasp onto the new rope." Something tells you.
You obediently grab onto it. It pulls you up. As high as it can.
The rope holding you to the ground however, won't let you above that midway ledge.
But not quite ready to let go of the rope holding you down you settle for the ledge.
Not misery.
Not happiness.
Numbness.
I come down and meet you on that ledge.
With all smiles and eyes that I can't take off of you.
However, you know I won't settle for it.
Sooner rather than later you're going to have to decide which
rope is, in fact, stronger.
Lets hope you don't choose the one that keeps you trapped.
But the one that will lead you to contentment.
Because that one won't wait forever.

Sucks to Suck

Watching the trees, while standing in the middle of that abandoned road, as they ruffle when the wind slowly passes through them. 

Waiting for me to feel the cool air on my skin too. As it approaches me, nothing.

Hanging upside down feeling helpless as the butcher holds my heart in his dirty, greedy hands.

Awaiting for the final ache, then nothing.

Standing backwards on the edge, friends encouraging me to feel the rush. Blindly I let go of my control anticipating the catch. Nothing.

Suck It Hell.

Because people breathe because they run. And they run because they sweat. And they sweat because they wheeze. And they wheeze because that's damn better than nothing. Because hell can't catch her a break even for an hour. Because gaining her would be his biggest win yet.
He walks through the mangled stars waiting for her there. Waiting for her to decide she isn't strong enough.
Waiting for her to realize that her tear stained cheeks and plastered dried sweat was not worth trying to get through to the other side.
Waiting for her to realize that finding her happiness is not worth the agony.
Waiting to cheat her out of her contentment to drag her down to where her teeth can't even find one another again.
Blind her with hope to where she opens up and little by little he crawls inside and starts to consume her without notice.
She finds shelter in hell. Trying to cover her misery because she's too afraid to look up.
To recognize that adventure is out there.
Feeling like just another flame in his air.
Feeling the sting as the hot air passes through the cracks on top of her dry knuckles.
And he starts doing this when he is missing her.
Chews up the other victims and spits them in her face.
Smoking his many cigarettes and puts them out on her hair.
Hell has sucked her down. What he doesn't comprehend is that she is not just another one of his helpless victims.
She is a princess. With courage, bravery, and heart. Even though they are invisible sometimes.
They'll come out. And when they do, hell will be the one trembling.
Hmm.. what do ya know?
Suck it hell.

A Day To Forget

So why can't I forget it? The air was cool, egging on the water to start falling from the sky. The windows were fogged up from the constant exhaling of our breath. I saw the regret in his eyes. And thought nothing of it. First mistake. Felt his firm hands grip mine in assurance that he was mine. His long drawing sleeping breaths as he rested his chin on my head. Watching my hand go up and down along with his rising chest. Feel the drop of my stomach when he surprisingly threw me over his broad shoulder running into the restaurant. Thinking to myself, "Wow. I'm In love with this guy." Opening my insecurities and inner phantom to him. Second mistake. Reading his cheesy rhyming poem with the smile I thought would never leave my face while I was with him. The confusion that flickered my eyes when he picked me up off of his lap at the movies. Believing him when he said "Nothing. My stomach just hurts." Third and fatal mistake.The unbelief when he left me. The bottomless pit my broken heart never stopped falling into. The ice so cold that the burning felt so good. The wanting to starve just to feel the hunger. The way I welcomed the slicing sound of his voice. Because the sting I would feel just by the sound of his name was better than nothing. From bliss to blackout. 

Maybe now that I have this out I can start forgetting it.

Don't Let That Broken Heart Haunt You.

Wanna try? 

Nice smile, but broken. My aching heart when you're looking at me not satisfied; wanting to be holding someone else. If you had the option of her, would you pick me? 

Not a chance.

But I knew that. I knew that it would never be me. I knew it after you told me about your weekend in Thailand. And I still decided to take this leap into your arms with the hope that your words were sincere and that you would never let me hit that rock bottom that you hit. Because she threw you down there. You would never let me hit it right?

You want it to be me though don't you? You want it to be me as much as I do. I want you to take your sights off of her and see me. I want you to see me as he saw me. As everything he ever wanted. I want you to hold my hand like you never want to let go. I want you to feel the way I feel when I have to leave. 

What am I supposed to do? Stand in front of you and block your vision of the better view? I don't want that. I want to be that better view. I want you to love me the way he did; with all he has. I want you to love me like you love her; with no hold.

Wanna try?

Beautifully endless eyes; with pain behind them. But faking it, is what I want you not to do. Because if you can't give me the love that I'm trying to give you then you're hurting me. You're giving me all this hope just to blind me of your true desires. Then your hurting me for no reason. Someone will love me the way I love them. And I want that to be you. I want to take your hand and walk through this mangled and thorned ground. I want to be that light that you not only need but want. 

Now my dear, you see this potential bliss ahead? Don't let that broken heart haunt you.

Don't Forget About Me Okay?

Vulnerability.
Hmmm. Must be my favorite word huh? Well doesn't matter.
Susceptibility. Wanting your love so much; yearning for you to share your heart with me.
For you to want me to share mine with you. Making it weak.
Feeling your touch-feel the fire that trails your skin.
Looking into those eyes--falling into them and becoming defenseless.
Thinking about my words trapped in my throat after your kiss.
Feeling helpless; going along with you.
Feeling my heart ache a little when you don't treat me like I'm used to being treated.
How can I expect that? Ha.
Catching myself feeling exposed to the potential shattering of all of me.
Because I'm me and no one else. But that's enough. Right?
Because I know you see the openness my heart is willing to have.
Willingness to revive that wrecked heart. And that takes a lot.
Just don't forget about me okay?