Paint Dropping

Thought I'd moved on. Then you brought me right back.
From the night you took my kiss away from me. I took yours too. Then I lost you.
Like paint through my fingers.
Like one thread that I couldn't resist on pulling- everything unraveled.
I lost you.
Every part of me is broken now. I tried to scream.
But still I can't explain. Like trying to describe what salt tastes like-impossible.
You were my everything.
Then you were suddenly you were my nothing.

Gently, Please.

I lay here in the tub. Water drained, bubbles still surround me. 

Heart empty, chest heavy, cheeks stained.

Resisting the forbidden urges.

Trying to remember how I felt in the July rain.

Holding hands. Eating cheeseburgers. Poppin some gum for a few minutes.

Then making out until my face is completely flushed red. 

Then going and getting ice cream.

Every part of me is broken now. 

I said I loved you. And it scared me. You scared me. 

Bring me back. 

One time I found a golf ball on a shelf in your closet. I looked at you as I kissed it. You then placed the golf ball that I had kissed in your safe. I wonder it is still there.

I Couldn't Remember To Be Strong

I fell asleep last night with the thought of you on my mind. And the thought of all my other friends. You know, the ones who actually care about me being the happiest I could be?
I woke up with bright blue and yellow colors surrounding me. Athen is shaking me awake. He says,
"I can't believe that you fell asleep! We're gonna be late now."
I say, "Why? Were we supposed to do something?"
Then we are outside, walking toward a motorhome.
"Where are we going?" But it's as if he can't hear anything I'm saying.
Ash appears, whispering to me,
"It's gonna be okay. This is what you truly want."
I want to ask her where we are going. I want to ask what it is that they want me to do. I can't find my mouth. My mouth is gone. Only eyes and ears seem to be.
Another van pulls up next to us, then I see Carley and Chance. They roll down the window and beg for me to come with them instead. 

I look to the back seat and see the outline of a head. Is that..? No. It couldn't be him. 
Athen is behind me and says, "We've got a long drive ahead of us. You promised you would come with us."
I'm so confused. I'm so tired. I just want to cry. I don't know what's wrong with me.
Sage walks out from inside the motorhome next to Athen. I'm so relieved. I look at her with urgency in my eyes, begging that she will understand why I feel so confused and weak. Then she plants one right on Athens' mouth. 

What the hell? 

Then my ears are gone too. But my mouth is back. My knees buckle and I fall to the ground. Just kidding, now I'm on a bed. My friends disappear all but Athen. I yell at him saying "You can't be with Sage! You can't love her! She deserves John!"

He looks at me confused. And says, 

"You hit your head again last night. I never kissed Sage. But I'll kiss you better."

Again, what the hell?

I smack him so hard that his face changes. I can't tell who he is now. Some stranger that might have been.

Now I'm in the back of purpsta. I'm so confused. I just want to pull my hair out to feel something real again. 

Carlos is driving. The only one who I would trust driving my stick. He looks at my through the mirror and says,

"I've missed you Mel. I wish you missed me more than you miss him."

I don't even pretend to question it. I know he's right. And that knowledge makes me sick.

I scream so loud. Begging this pain to stop. I scream so loud. Wanting to see him. To feel his hand on my cheek again. To feel him pull my body into his. Why am I so weak?

Now I'm on a roller coaster. The spider to be exact. Trevor is next to me. He looks at me and says,

"Goodbye Melly Jelly. I'll miss you." He then unhooked our cart from the tracks and we are falling to our deaths. I'm almost relieved. 

Now I'm in the parking lot with the motor home and the van. My friends are gone. Then I hear him.

"Mel. I've missed you." 

I spin around and there he is. Just like I remember him. A cream shirt and dirty jeans from a long day at work. I see that scar on this hand and that vein on his forehead. Every fiber in my body is aching to touch him. To feel him again.

"Come to me. I will hold you until every star falls from the sky. I will love you always and forever."

Now Athen is behind me.

"Don't do it Mel. Don't go with him. Your promised you would come with us, remember?"

I turn towards Athen and say, "You understand."

I turn back towards him. I start running to him. Every step closer my heart beats faster. Just when I'm about to touch him, Jenna's alarm goes off. I sit up and gasp. Tears running down my cheeks.

I couldn't remember how to be strong. 

Will I ever become strong enough?

I'm sitting there in the corner. Hands covering my face, trying to hide the fact that it has turned into one big swollen creature. Uncontrollable breathing that hiccups ever two seconds.
Feeling so worthless. Feeling worth literally NOTHING at all.
So do me a favor. Stop.
Stop complaining that I hand out with a friend that actually makes time to come and see me.
Because that's a whole hell of a lot more than you are doing.
You tell me he is a bad guy when you are the one that builds up my hopes just to break them down.
You are the one that makes promises that you have no intent on keeping.
You are the one that can take me down with just one single blow.
And really? He is twice the man you will ever be. And he's just my friend. You are supposed to be the one who loves me.

I Miss You 2249

That's who you are to me now. 2249.
Just another number. Another number that I dialed through my life.
Another number to add to the list.
5073
3922
0465
6362
7521
and now you.
2249
Your number has always been different. From the beginning. Something of curiosity and wonder.
Something of a fresh breath, full of voluptuous smells and bright colors.
But just like the rest of them, your numbers were not in sync with the rest of mine.
Too bad I miss you so much.

I'm A Mess Of Gorgeous Chaos

Loving Him Was Red

Memorizing him was easy as singing along to that cheesy Taylor Swift song in 8th grade.
The way he moved was a full on rain storm.
He was the kind of safety that drew me in.
Close enough to touch.
Close enough to feel your breath on the top of my head.
Close enough to never let you go.
My heart would always remember to remind me that you were a good idea.
My guard was non-existent
You come back in flash backs. From the sparks to the sorrows.
Reminding me that I was worth everything to you. Worth enough to steal your moms phone at night and talk till 6am.
So please remember. Remember me. Remember us.
Remember the night with the chocolate on your shirt.
Remember the night that you said you would never let me go.
So never let me go.
Meet me in the pouring rain and remind me how it felt to be loved.
Kiss me on the sidewalk and take away the pain.
Loving you was red.
Burning red.
But losing you was black. Cold. Hopeless. Alone.
.

Blast From The Past

I use to scroll right past all your pictures. You and all you're new friends. Moved on. Starting your new life.
Then you sent me that one messaged that brought all of that back.
The good 'ol days I mean.
The days when everything was as simple as left or right. Truth or dare.
Is he going to hold my hand? Should I let go as soon as it gets sweaty?
Should I tell him to stop swearing? The scandal that I was holding your hand while I was on a date with him.
I miss that. I miss riding their bus on Fridays.
I miss playing soccer at the park. Or walking through the creek.
I miss knowing that going home at 11:00 is the worst thing in the world.
I miss you. And him. And her. And him. And them.
Hopefully I'll see you again.
Hopefully you won't forget me.

White Story Turned Red

When I was nine years old, my daddy once said,
"You have control of your choices, but you don't have control over the consequences."
This year has brought those words to life. Breathing in that freedom air deep into the core of my body. Stepping closer to the edge of the cliff, teasing the water below with hopes I'm going to say yes to adrenaline and say no to the caution. I took your hand, looked into your eyes, receiving a glimpse into my future. Into our future. We will leap. And fall. And hit. But it's okay because you will hold my hand the entire way down.
Ignoring the words of my loved ones, saying to them,
"This is my life. I get to choose how I live it."
And so I jumped. And fell. And hit.
Any you... didn't.

Okay stop.

 This story is just as pathetic as the rest of them. And I want to see a happy ending just as much as the last girl did. But that's the thing about this life. There are rarely happy endings. At least not yet.
So do me a favor and stop complaining about your irritated eye. Or you selfish jealousy. Because you, my dear, are just one more wall blocking my way to a desolate place. A place where I can forget about the pressure taking away the sound of my heartbeat.

Something other than this credential life.

I'm Bitter... And I Miss You.

Silencing my them to whispers. Calling with so many desperate dropping heads.
I quiet all my screaming through all the stupid customers and self-righteous neighbors.
Until I'm alone to my writing. I paint my anger with solitudes and hand prints.
I'm bitter because you have made me so. Can you make me do something?
With those desirable lips and soft arms. Manipulation so pathetic that I break down under the hot water. Pulling my hair until that pain becomes more than the kind that is swallowing my insides through a straw. Sucking the breath from my lungs. Leaving nothing for me other than giving my eyes the gift to cry. Hostile words with unimaginable intentions.
Closing my eyes and thinking "I hate you. Get away from me."
But screw this pain because I miss you.

Briskly Slipping Sideways

I've never been fixated on this skin before. The one that swallows up the emptiness. 

Side tracking on shoulders. Ahh. The shoulders. One beautifully painless weakness of mine.

Such space that greets with pleasure and pride. Whimpering that some were meant to fall in love. 

Creating shelter in this hell hole as a bed. 

Colliding with the lies for eternity. 

With fading ink yet impossible erase marks.

Suddenly so close to being yours. So darling, would you stay with me?

But some weren't meant to stay in love. 

Owing me something of an optimistic ending. 

Silence so beautiful that it's aches the heart to sleep.

Voicing the sharps like cream. 

"I will not love you always." 

This crisp air biting on the nail buds. Listening to the whistles of the autum leaves.

Letting you go was never in the cards for me. 

Sideways, I will be. 

Understood, something I will never be.