Uses For A Brick

All the fog from intimacy has cleared away.

He picked her heart piece by piece masking her curiosity with sweet whisperings, painting a future for him and for her.

Now she has found countless uses for a brick. 

Because she is convinced that Shawn Mendes wrote that song for her. 

Because no one has ever left her this sore.

She had reached into her body searching for a heart that was blocked. 

She fought each stubborn rib as they formed a cage warning that she might not survive this one, but she dodged them and gripped her heart by the core.

She traded hers for his and they both kept blood running to the others to keep them alive.

Beautiful were their lives. Full of fears, but also wonderful wonders.

Everything is perfect when someone keeps you alive for you and you pay them back by keeping them alive.

Everything is perfect when you are vulnerable as long as they keep you protected. 

And you provide their protection in return.

But.

He let his blood supply to hers run dry.

He watched as she slowly bled out.

Very slowly, drip by drip.

He watched her bleed until she couldn't breathe and right before she was done for he would provide some more. Just a small amount, but it was enough to keep her going. 

Kept her down, in need of him for survival because, "I can't live without you."

She now has stopped her blood supply to his and is trying to take hers back. 

But she hesitates because maybe, just maybe, he'll start pumping blood to her again.

But all that hesitation does is provide a hope for a hopeless wonder. 

Why. 

Why did you cut off your blood supply to me?

Why. 

Letting me bleed out is understandable, but why did you stick around to watch?

I have now found countless uses for a brick.

And she finally gave up, dropped 

the fake smile as a tear ran down

her cheek and she whispered to 

herself, "I can't do this anymore."

So Far Away

An experienced man once told me that it gets easier to move on when I remember all the reasons you made me cry.
But I don't want to move on.
I don't want to decide that there's something better for me to fight for.
I don't want to slowly imagine laying in another's arms.

I'd rather wake up with amnesia.
Forget about the stupid things like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you.

The dreams we built together were added onto my walls that were holding me together.
And now I feel as if my soul is slipping out through my toes.

Your words were always close to me but your heart was always so far away.

Nobody said it was easy.
What a shame it is for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy.
Nobody said it would be this hard.

I'm goin'.
I'm goin' back to the start.

All I Do

Running in a smooth and steady rhythm, my heart ceases any kind of breath of life. Steady beat. Sure feelings.

My mind though, is a mess of gorgeous chaos; intertwined with thoughts, ideas, images, doubts.

Sing sweetly to me, darling. Allow your breathing to slip me into dreams and fantasies of what was.

All I did was fail today.

Stupid

Have you ever had something you couldn't resist but it always ends with you in tears?
Then when it comes again, you can't resist yet again and again, you are falling asleep with small glistening cheeks.

Life Full of Laughter

All that I want is a life full of laughter. I just wish it was you laughing through life with me.

I had the opportunity to have sex tonight.
He whispered into my ear in perfect english, "Wanta go to my bedroom?"
After he told me I have such a "hot butt" while giving it a nice pat.
It was easy to smack his hand away.
It was easy to say no.
It's not sex alone that I crave.
But the touch of the man I love.
Whom doesn't crave my touch, but any.
Whom I'm not supposed to love anymore.

It's okay lou, I'll get there.

But for now I'm f*cked.

Graditude is Swelling Tonight.

Today's been a good day, God.
I'm grateful for my bishop and the wise council he gives me. I'm grateful that he's patient with my bad Internet connection.
I don't know, he seems to understand and empathize with everything; even the little things. As if everything thing I feel or think is important because I'm important.
I'm grateful for my parents. I'm grateful that I was able to grow closer to my mom these last few days. She seemed to understand me this time..

I'm grateful for my students that tell me I'm beautiful and write me notes and tell me how good I smell. I'm grateful I'm their favorite.

I'm grateful for my beautiful friends who are coming home to me. I'm grateful that I'm coming home to three RM's that are thrilled to see me.

I've started to feel beautiful again, God. Thank you.

Dear God,

I have forgotten who I am.
Somewhere in the midst of wanting to enjoy the moment and degrade myself to be up to par of some man's pleasure I lost myself.
Im standing here in the shower, feeling the water hit by back turning it as hot as it can go. Then cold. Still nothing.
I want to talk to you about how he has broken my heart and doesn't even know it.
I want to talk to you about my fear of alcohol.
I want to talk to you about my pains.
But I've lost myself.
I've been trying to fit into this world, with its temptations, pleasures, releases.
And i don't fit in.
I don't fit into this world, God.
I'm not those silicone women.
I'm not those friends partying on the weekend wasted.
I'm not a sexual toy.
I am your daughter.
I don't fit into this world because I'm not meant to. I will never sink so low again.
I promise you.
But please, God, help remind me of my divine nature. Of my godly womanhood.
Please send me more love so I don't forget.
Please forgive me.

I have wondered.
Why have I been drawn to things that I shouldn't have?
Why have I felt so much relief from things that should have brought so much heart break?

What A Strange Feeling

4pm
And I awake from a dream with fog clouding my sight. Turn on my phone and see missed calls from you.
"I love you. Please call me when you wake up."
What a beautiful thing.
Next hour we are cruising down the street. Windows down. Hair flying. Singing along to Zac Brown band. Your hand on my knee.
What a beautiful thing.


Forever in my days here I am the world of these little smiles.
Every morning I walk into a room and almost fall to my knees with all the little arms that embrace me. Almost am tackled by them wanting to show me love.


I come home feeling my heart sink a little lower.
I see faces plastered all over my media addiction.
How lovely would it be to feel loved.
No, not needed; but loved. For words mean nothing without action.


Being real this time, is it too much to ask?

Love is beauty.
Love is innocence.
Love is you and me. Forever.
Love is facing the walls together and blowing them to dust.
Love is forgiving.
Love is selfless.

Hate is beauty.
Hate is crime.
Hate is you and me. Forever.
Hate is introducing a wall and letting me face it alone.
Hate is leaving me alone.
Hate is leaving me alone.
Hate is leaving me alone.

Take them and leave me alone.

how do you know?

Do you even know her?
Maybe not the little things because you never thought to ask. Because you don't just wake up one morning and realize that you would make her a star in you workshop just to say you've been thinking about her embrace.
Do you know that her favorite spot in the entire world is that corner on top of her closet because that's where she would climb find solace in a terrifying home?
Do you know that she pictures being encompassed by a bubble when she feels she's surrounded by demonds?
Do you know that she speaks to her grandmother when she feels that God doesn't want to listen anymore?
Do you know that she sings let it go to her students because they think she has a voice of a rockstar?
Do you know that she only really has two real insecuritites?
Do you know what they are?
How can you love her so much without knowing these imperfect beauties?
Cause I'm starting to forget too.

Ever

Maybe we always feel empty because we put pieces of ourselves in everything and everyone we ever loved.
These bags under my eyes don't go away after a good night's rest because my soul is exhausted.
Sometimes when I cry it only hurts me. And that terrifies me.
If her words with the sound of her voice doesn't calm your worst anxiety attacks, you aren't in love with her.
Tell me things.
Share with me your deepest annoyances.
Bring your little memories back to life.
Call me when I'm half asleep and tell me why you believe in god.
Show me pictures of when you spent that summer at your grandmothers.
Tell me about the first time you saw your dad cry.
Calm my racing veins and silence my screaming thoughts and be my superman.

Nothing

No matter where I go, I'm in the wrong place.
No matter what I say, it's offensive to your ears.
No matter how much I cry, you decide to look away.
What am I supposed to do now?

Stars Burst Sometimes

My mind runs away to you. Can you feel it?
I'm waiting patiently though time's running slow.
I have one thing. Can you see it?
A mangled muscle that you've managed to beat with just a damaged look.
I'm singing to you through the oceans.
Can you hear me?
Each tear that falls is another reminder that I'm in love again.
Is this it?
The time where I hold onto that promise you made to never give up?
Because, right now, the skies are rough, my dear.
And you remind me that I'm alive and have a soul.
I imagine you kissing the nightmares away. Can you sense it?
God knows we're worth it.

You are known by me.
But I know it's not enough.
Because I'm not your other face.
I'm not the one to help take that blurry face out.
But know this.
If you slip away I will never recover.
Don't you dare slip away.
I won't let you.

For a good while there I was convinced you weren't a total dick.
But oops. Had to fool me again.

Haiku

I read somewhere that a Haiku is a form of Japanese poetry.
So a long time ago some Japanese man decided to have a 5-7-5 style poem and name it "俳句."
I hope this one doesn't displease him.

Sometimes I think too deeply
And i feel like I'm floating away
Thinking of you is breathtaking

I hope that you sing
And find that my name is hidden,
Reaching to you in secret.

I have quite the imagination
Seeing swaying faces singing their heart
Within color of our touch.

Simply.

I fell in love with you.
Simply put, I fell in love.
With your smile,
Your laugh,
Your eyes,
With way your curl your body around mine when you're asleep,
The little kisses on my cheeks and neck.
The way hold out your arms when you first see me.
I fell in love simply, with your you.

Absolute Bliss

There was a time.
Where hopes were dying.
A time where I knew if I couldn't be his, I'd be no one's. No one else would truely own me.
There was a time where I told him I would always love him. And I will always hope for his happiness; but I don't want any part of it.
I want you. All of you. Forever.
I want to be a part of your happiness.
Because now is absolute bliss.

Raw Emotion

I'm not in the mood to create poetry tonight.
I'm in the mood to say things exactly how I mean them.
Raw. Which actually might be the best form of poetry.
Last night we had a really eye opening conversation.
You sat there next to me and tried to break down my walls. The walls I automatically built up to protect myself from you.
You have given me everything. Everything you have. Everything you are. You have given me all of you.
And in return I have given most of me, but not all of me.
I'm writing tonight because you are already asleep and I need to tell you this right now.
Because I'm feeling so passionate.
I was telling a best friend about you tonight. One who hasn't met you yet.
By the way I was talking about you I knew it.
I'm in love with you, Mason Herrick. 100% in love. The kind of love that I've only felt with one other person.
But it's different. It's better. I love you in the most innocent, pure form. I love you in the way where I let you eat the last piece of our totinos pizza when I really want it. I love you in the way where I really never post about boys on insta of facebook because I don't want other boys to stop flirting with me, except with you because I will post about you because I don't care whether other boys want me or not.
I don't want anyone else to want me.
I love you.
I will stand by you forever.
Supporting you in your dreams.
Comforting you in your trials.
Standing with you, strengthening you in your weaknesses.
I'm done holding up my walls.
Because even when I come home from my summer adventure, if you're gone, I can know I loved you without regrets. That I gave you my all. Not just part of me.
Even if I have to start from nothing again, I will give you my everything.
Because I'm in love with you.
And I'm done holding that back.
I won't give up.
Baby I'm falling. I hope you catch me when I land.

My Hero

Oh what a lovely night it is to be awaken with thoughts of you all decorated with kisses and the scent of lavender.
My dear, I'm not sure you've come to realize what exactly you have accomplished. To completely obliterate Noah from my very colorful imagination.
My lovely, how gorgeous it is to lay here and never wish for more than you laying here next to me.
I was holding out for a hero. Collapsed in that corner of that bathroom, dripping from the steam of a recent bath, crying. Holding out for my hero. He had to be strong. He had to be sure. And he had to be larger than life. He had to be to rescue me.
I was weary, you see. Of you and your intimidating words. Of your intimidating past.
But when you trusted me enough to share with me that scary side of you, all I saw were those eyes and I couldn't help but feel like those eyes were enough. 
"Your personality is more than I ever could have imagined."
And your words flew through me.
And you were strong.  You were sure. You were larger than life.
You sang les miserables at the top of your lungs and I laughed as I simultaneously fell in love with you.
You, my love, make my weaknesses strong.
You solidify my faith when it has been shaken.
You change my fear into bravery.
You bring me into what I've always needed to be.
A beautiful little fool

...it is what it is.

Have you ever craved someone? Not in the sexual way. But where you just want to hear their voice or feel there arms around you?
When you touch me, I don't want you to stop.
When you're holding me, it's almost as if everything bad in the world that surrounds me melts away.
When you look at me, my heart skips a beat.
When I remember the conversation we had tonight, I almost feel sick.
We almost ended everything tonight.
I hate you.
I crave you.
I love you.
I'm done with you.
Please don't let me go.

..searching...

Somewhere in the midst of all my frantic fantasies I can almost feel someone reaching back towards me.
Sometime past midnight I hear the cries.
I'm searching for a hero.
He has to be sure.
He has to be strong.
Where have all the good guys gone?
Towards the fight.
I'm desperately holding onto something that isn't even there. That isn't even real.
I'm holding out for a hero.
Where'd all your fight go, my dear?
Lost somewhere surrounded by all those "forgot you's," and "maybe tomorrows"
I remember when men wanted to fix things. Or find out if there's something wrong.
I've run out of time to give.
We'll never find out if the metal was even bent or not.
Bueno suerte con tu vida.
Adios muchachos.

I Never Knew You Could Become Homesick For People Too

Half dollar bill- I miss the way we would jam to Ellie Goulding remixes. Thank you for showing me innocence.
My Person- I miss the way we would pretend to have dancing battles. I miss my Bachelor partner. Thank you for all of those back scratches. Thank you for being my person.
Best Friend's Man- I miss you starting a wiping fight with me, then crying when I won. Thank you for making my person so happy.
Cap'- I miss your stupid lectures about every single marvel movie made. Thank you for never taking advantage of me when you had several opportunities.

I have become homesick for so many faces. Because I remember that no one would ever take advantage of me like he did.
I open my eyes to more horror remembering that it was real and I squint my eyes hoping to shove the image out.
I hold my chest as if my heart is about to collapse from the inside out.
I wish it wasn't real.
I wish it didn't happen.
I am so sick.
Hearing his words: "Then I guess I'll have to make you love me."
minute after wretched minute.
I am so homesick for these faces.

Something about Somethings.

We are surrounded by people who are obsessed with being seen as perfection.
We watch as others share their lives so detailed that it seems like they are trying to prove something to us.
We stand there as silicone dolls dance across the screen only to collapse back stage.
We are different kind of people, Him and I.
Different from the puppets that surround us.
And there is something I'm thinking.
Something I'm feeling.
Something about the fact that I'm happier when I come home than I was before I was with him.
Something about him that makes me want to start loving strawberries.
Something about the way that front seat makes me feel "at home."
Something I can't quite put my finger on.
But something I'm thrilled to figure out.
Something about looking forward to this potentially amazing journey.