If You Really Knew Me

Last night we were talking about a potential future together.
You said, "And this is crazy because I hardly know you."
You're right. You hardly know me. So I've decided to make a list of things about me that you probably don't know.
1. I'm secretly fond of cats... But I wouldn't ever want one...
2. It's my dream to live near a pond or lake that I can just jump in at any time. (Skinny dipping would be nice too(: )
3. If/when I have a baby girl I want to name her Henley.
4. And by the rare off chance that I have boy girl twins I want to name them Henley and Bentley.
5. I like Lilie too(:
6. I've never told a boy I was dating about this... About names I want I mean.
7. The number "7" was my soccer number my entire life. And also my lucky number.
8. When I turned 8 years old, I got a journal in which all I wrote was how much I like soda... don't even ask why.
9. My first real crush was in 4th grade. His name was Isaac.
10. When I was growing up, my mom put me in soccer, T-ball (in which I was the only girl), dance classes, gymnastics, and cheer.
11. I am an awful artist.
12. Two dream vacations. 1, Thailand... I want to pet a tiger. And 2, Tahiti- Bora Bora to be exact(:
13. I love to snack on raisins.
14. I don't like chocolate milk. Except BYU creamery chocolate milk. It's to die for.
15. I really like meat loaf.
17. My hips lie all the time. Oh wait... you knew that... (;
18. I was obsessed with Twilight before it became a movie. And I still like the books-very well written.
19. I don't care for politics much... Which I know that's what you want to go into so... You'll have to teach me.
20. Teal is my favorite color.
21. I didn't pass any of my AP tests of any of the AP classes I took.
22. I SUCK at testing.
23. I'm obsessed with the candy hearts of Valentines' day.
24. I have sooooo many different styles. Some days I dress like a hipster, a classy girl, a hobo, and a tomboy.
25. My favorite ice cream is a three-way tie between graham canyon and cookies n cream and cotton candy.
26. Favorite restaurant is Chilies.
27. Second favorite is The Pizza Factory
28. I am OBSESSED with Lake Powell and boating.
30. If I don't have a boat in my life I will bawl.
31. I am insanely good at tubing. Don't understand why, but really. I am so good.
32. I've always had a feeling that if I ever drank alcohol, I would become an alcoholic.
33. I've also had a feeling that I'm going to have a child with disabilities.
34. I have such an immense love for the elderly.
35. I have two main things I want to do before I die. 1. Para sail. 2. Scuba dive.
36. I like watching chick flicks with a boy I like more than with my girlfriends. And I love it even more if there's both.
37. I love black licorice.
38. I also love trampoline places.
39. I also love zombies. (Walking dead, WWZ, Call of Duty zombies)
40. I sometimes over think things you say or mention and it makes me sad every time I do.
41. I had mono my jr year in high school.
42. I'm really self conscious of my stomach.
43. I'm an adrenaline junkie. I've been on the skycoaster ride at lagoon seven times.
44. However, I am scared of the freefall slide at seven peaks... Never got myself to go on it.
45. I sang in choir all through Jr. High and High school.
46. And on choir tour, I hemorrhaged and had to be in the ER in California with a chaperon while all my friends were singing and playing at the beach. It was awful.
47. I loving doing adventurous things.
49. Those include things such as, jet skiing, wake boarding, skiing, playing fugitive, water rafting, four wheeling, etc(:
50. I hate olives.
Okay, well 50 seems like a lot... hope you didn't just get bored and skip to the bottom(;
...
Now this is awkward because I don't know what to say anymore.
Okay I'll just stop.

Some Beautiful Rebellion

The one thing I know that's true,
It's not what you say, it's what you do.
And you, my dear, must be doing something right.
                     Because love use to be kind. And make life bright.
                     But then all it did was make me blind and shaken.
                     Quiver in the darkness and curse beneath the lovers eyes.
But you blew into my life, startling me and my touch.
Whispering soft poetry into my ear at night.
Turning intensity into something to be yearned.
And gazing into sweet nothingness everyday at noon.
                     I wanted to feel nothing and leave this broken heart to die.
                     Was it too much to ask that I just sing along to some                                                                               other melody? And shoot for some other kind of stars?      Because these stars were not my friends.
I didn't even know that stars had enemies.
But you must be one of them if you went against
they're judgment and came for me.
A whole new harmony that was incredible to the touch.
And when you'd touch my skin, I know you are risking it all.
You are shouting to the sunset that you don't care.
Please, my dear. Keep this beautiful rebellion alive.
And join this mess of gorgeous chaos that I call my home.
                                                                             

All Because I Can't Get You Out Of My Head.

You're crazy. There's no other explanation.
You are completely insane.
You were crazy the day you decided you wanted more than the "ncmo."
You were crazy two nights ago when you told me you wanted to be committed to me.
You were crazy when you told me about your past yesterday morning.
You were crazy to tell me those three words last night. The three words that had once meant everything to me. Three words that he made into a lie. Into something I'm scared of instead of reaching for.
The three words that have more promises behind them than anyone could ever know.
You are crazy to say I love you to a girl who is leaving in three months.
You are crazy to say I love you after only a month of knowing me.
You are crazy to forget about life for once and stay inside with me all day.
You are crazy to lie to your work saying your sick just to sit around and do nothing with me all day.
You are crazy, with your past, to tell me "No." when I wanted more.
You are crazy, kid.
And now I'm crazy for thinking about nothing but last night and those three words you can't seem to stop repeating.
I'm crazy for going over that moment you woke up and pulled my body into yours in my head over and over again.
I'm crazy for getting the feeling in my stomach every time I think about you telling me you love me.
I know I'm not crazy for not saying it back,
but am I crazy for thinking that I might be starting to fall too?
Crazy all around.
I love crazy.

Because I am not okay.

I climbed into my bed feeling giddy.
It was strange actually. Feeling giddy again. Almost too strange.
But then I fell asleep. And just like every other night in this endless train of pillows I don't want to lay my head on, I dreamed of you.
And just like this muscle spasm deep in my gut, my dreams of you never seem to just leave me alone.
Always itching for me to notice the irritation again.
You basically told me everything you told Jessica that one time on the phone.
I had to relive the whole thing.

It was awful.

And all I did was tell you that my love was real. Tell you that when I looked into those, oh so familiar, eyes and said,
"I am hopelessly in love with you."
That
I MEANT IT.
And as difficult as trying to portray my feelings into words, here I am trying to describe the indescribable to a blank screen. And to no one that cares.
And all I do is wipe my face and my runny nose over and over and over again.
And in the end, it was all for nothing.
And if I could go back in time and not go to the haunted forest that night, I would.
I regret it all.
Because
I am not okay.
And the thought of you being okay is too much on this shriveled up heart.

Ya know. For a little while there I almost thought this might be remotely as hard for you as it is for me.

But there you go. Acting more like a bird who has finally learned how to use his wings.

And here I stay. Stumbling around like a bird with wings that are now broken. 

The bitter taste of rejection is more powerful than I knew. And the smell of smoke is now normal.

Have you ever been too depressed to write poetry?
More impossible things becoming a part of me.