I had the opportunity to have sex tonight.
He whispered into my ear in perfect english, "Wanta go to my bedroom?"
After he told me I have such a "hot butt" while giving it a nice pat.
It was easy to smack his hand away.
It was easy to say no.
It's not sex alone that I crave.
But the touch of the man I love.
Whom doesn't crave my touch, but any.
Whom I'm not supposed to love anymore.

It's okay lou, I'll get there.

But for now I'm f*cked.

Graditude is Swelling Tonight.

Today's been a good day, God.
I'm grateful for my bishop and the wise council he gives me. I'm grateful that he's patient with my bad Internet connection.
I don't know, he seems to understand and empathize with everything; even the little things. As if everything thing I feel or think is important because I'm important.
I'm grateful for my parents. I'm grateful that I was able to grow closer to my mom these last few days. She seemed to understand me this time..

I'm grateful for my students that tell me I'm beautiful and write me notes and tell me how good I smell. I'm grateful I'm their favorite.

I'm grateful for my beautiful friends who are coming home to me. I'm grateful that I'm coming home to three RM's that are thrilled to see me.

I've started to feel beautiful again, God. Thank you.

Dear God,

I have forgotten who I am.
Somewhere in the midst of wanting to enjoy the moment and degrade myself to be up to par of some man's pleasure I lost myself.
Im standing here in the shower, feeling the water hit by back turning it as hot as it can go. Then cold. Still nothing.
I want to talk to you about how he has broken my heart and doesn't even know it.
I want to talk to you about my fear of alcohol.
I want to talk to you about my pains.
But I've lost myself.
I've been trying to fit into this world, with its temptations, pleasures, releases.
And i don't fit in.
I don't fit into this world, God.
I'm not those silicone women.
I'm not those friends partying on the weekend wasted.
I'm not a sexual toy.
I am your daughter.
I don't fit into this world because I'm not meant to. I will never sink so low again.
I promise you.
But please, God, help remind me of my divine nature. Of my godly womanhood.
Please send me more love so I don't forget.
Please forgive me.

I have wondered.
Why have I been drawn to things that I shouldn't have?
Why have I felt so much relief from things that should have brought so much heart break?