I had the opportunity to have sex tonight.
He whispered into my ear in perfect english, "Wanta go to my bedroom?"
After he told me I have such a "hot butt" while giving it a nice pat.
It was easy to smack his hand away.
It was easy to say no.
It's not sex alone that I crave.
But the touch of the man I love.
Whom doesn't crave my touch, but any.
Whom I'm not supposed to love anymore.

It's okay lou, I'll get there.

But for now I'm f*cked.

Graditude is Swelling Tonight.

Today's been a good day, God.
I'm grateful for my bishop and the wise council he gives me. I'm grateful that he's patient with my bad Internet connection.
I don't know, he seems to understand and empathize with everything; even the little things. As if everything thing I feel or think is important because I'm important.
I'm grateful for my parents. I'm grateful that I was able to grow closer to my mom these last few days. She seemed to understand me this time..

I'm grateful for my students that tell me I'm beautiful and write me notes and tell me how good I smell. I'm grateful I'm their favorite.

I'm grateful for my beautiful friends who are coming home to me. I'm grateful that I'm coming home to three RM's that are thrilled to see me.

I've started to feel beautiful again, God. Thank you.

Dear God,

I have forgotten who I am.
Somewhere in the midst of wanting to enjoy the moment and degrade myself to be up to par of some man's pleasure I lost myself.
Im standing here in the shower, feeling the water hit by back turning it as hot as it can go. Then cold. Still nothing.
I want to talk to you about how he has broken my heart and doesn't even know it.
I want to talk to you about my fear of alcohol.
I want to talk to you about my pains.
But I've lost myself.
I've been trying to fit into this world, with its temptations, pleasures, releases.
And i don't fit in.
I don't fit into this world, God.
I'm not those silicone women.
I'm not those friends partying on the weekend wasted.
I'm not a sexual toy.
I am your daughter.
I don't fit into this world because I'm not meant to. I will never sink so low again.
I promise you.
But please, God, help remind me of my divine nature. Of my godly womanhood.
Please send me more love so I don't forget.
Please forgive me.

I have wondered.
Why have I been drawn to things that I shouldn't have?
Why have I felt so much relief from things that should have brought so much heart break?

What A Strange Feeling

4pm
And I awake from a dream with fog clouding my sight. Turn on my phone and see missed calls from you.
"I love you. Please call me when you wake up."
What a beautiful thing.
Next hour we are cruising down the street. Windows down. Hair flying. Singing along to Zac Brown band. Your hand on my knee.
What a beautiful thing.


Forever in my days here I am the world of these little smiles.
Every morning I walk into a room and almost fall to my knees with all the little arms that embrace me. Almost am tackled by them wanting to show me love.


I come home feeling my heart sink a little lower.
I see faces plastered all over my media addiction.
How lovely would it be to feel loved.
No, not needed; but loved. For words mean nothing without action.


Being real this time, is it too much to ask?

Love is beauty.
Love is innocence.
Love is you and me. Forever.
Love is facing the walls together and blowing them to dust.
Love is forgiving.
Love is selfless.

Hate is beauty.
Hate is crime.
Hate is you and me. Forever.
Hate is introducing a wall and letting me face it alone.
Hate is leaving me alone.
Hate is leaving me alone.
Hate is leaving me alone.

Take them and leave me alone.

how do you know?

Do you even know her?
Maybe not the little things because you never thought to ask. Because you don't just wake up one morning and realize that you would make her a star in you workshop just to say you've been thinking about her embrace.
Do you know that her favorite spot in the entire world is that corner on top of her closet because that's where she would climb find solace in a terrifying home?
Do you know that she pictures being encompassed by a bubble when she feels she's surrounded by demonds?
Do you know that she speaks to her grandmother when she feels that God doesn't want to listen anymore?
Do you know that she sings let it go to her students because they think she has a voice of a rockstar?
Do you know that she only really has two real insecuritites?
Do you know what they are?
How can you love her so much without knowing these imperfect beauties?
Cause I'm starting to forget too.