I'm A Mess Of Gorgeous Chaos

Loving Him Was Red

Memorizing him was easy as singing along to that cheesy Taylor Swift song in 8th grade.
The way he moved was a full on rain storm.
He was the kind of safety that drew me in.
Close enough to touch.
Close enough to feel your breath on the top of my head.
Close enough to never let you go.
My heart would always remember to remind me that you were a good idea.
My guard was non-existent
You come back in flash backs. From the sparks to the sorrows.
Reminding me that I was worth everything to you. Worth enough to steal your moms phone at night and talk till 6am.
So please remember. Remember me. Remember us.
Remember the night with the chocolate on your shirt.
Remember the night that you said you would never let me go.
So never let me go.
Meet me in the pouring rain and remind me how it felt to be loved.
Kiss me on the sidewalk and take away the pain.
Loving you was red.
Burning red.
But losing you was black. Cold. Hopeless. Alone.
.

Blast From The Past

I use to scroll right past all your pictures. You and all you're new friends. Moved on. Starting your new life.
Then you sent me that one messaged that brought all of that back.
The good 'ol days I mean.
The days when everything was as simple as left or right. Truth or dare.
Is he going to hold my hand? Should I let go as soon as it gets sweaty?
Should I tell him to stop swearing? The scandal that I was holding your hand while I was on a date with him.
I miss that. I miss riding their bus on Fridays.
I miss playing soccer at the park. Or walking through the creek.
I miss knowing that going home at 11:00 is the worst thing in the world.
I miss you. And him. And her. And him. And them.
Hopefully I'll see you again.
Hopefully you won't forget me.

White Story Turned Red

When I was nine years old, my daddy once said,
"You have control of your choices, but you don't have control over the consequences."
This year has brought those words to life. Breathing in that freedom air deep into the core of my body. Stepping closer to the edge of the cliff, teasing the water below with hopes I'm going to say yes to adrenaline and say no to the caution. I took your hand, looked into your eyes, receiving a glimpse into my future. Into our future. We will leap. And fall. And hit. But it's okay because you will hold my hand the entire way down.
Ignoring the words of my loved ones, saying to them,
"This is my life. I get to choose how I live it."
And so I jumped. And fell. And hit.
Any you... didn't.

Okay stop.

 This story is just as pathetic as the rest of them. And I want to see a happy ending just as much as the last girl did. But that's the thing about this life. There are rarely happy endings. At least not yet.
So do me a favor and stop complaining about your irritated eye. Or you selfish jealousy. Because you, my dear, are just one more wall blocking my way to a desolate place. A place where I can forget about the pressure taking away the sound of my heartbeat.

Something other than this credential life.

I'm Bitter... And I Miss You.

Silencing my them to whispers. Calling with so many desperate dropping heads.
I quiet all my screaming through all the stupid customers and self-righteous neighbors.
Until I'm alone to my writing. I paint my anger with solitudes and hand prints.
I'm bitter because you have made me so. Can you make me do something?
With those desirable lips and soft arms. Manipulation so pathetic that I break down under the hot water. Pulling my hair until that pain becomes more than the kind that is swallowing my insides through a straw. Sucking the breath from my lungs. Leaving nothing for me other than giving my eyes the gift to cry. Hostile words with unimaginable intentions.
Closing my eyes and thinking "I hate you. Get away from me."
But screw this pain because I miss you.

Briskly Slipping Sideways

I've never been fixated on this skin before. The one that swallows up the emptiness. 

Side tracking on shoulders. Ahh. The shoulders. One beautifully painless weakness of mine.

Such space that greets with pleasure and pride. Whimpering that some were meant to fall in love. 

Creating shelter in this hell hole as a bed. 

Colliding with the lies for eternity. 

With fading ink yet impossible erase marks.

Suddenly so close to being yours. So darling, would you stay with me?

But some weren't meant to stay in love. 

Owing me something of an optimistic ending. 

Silence so beautiful that it's aches the heart to sleep.

Voicing the sharps like cream. 

"I will not love you always." 

This crisp air biting on the nail buds. Listening to the whistles of the autum leaves.

Letting you go was never in the cards for me. 

Sideways, I will be. 

Understood, something I will never be.

Life is a Funny and Cruel Thing

Funny. Growing into a person that I thought I could only be with you.

Funny. Trying to inhale the last bits of this scent while I'm walking away from that field of daffodils. 

Funny how the absence of the smell aches me deep in my bones all while my fingers dig into my scalp wondering what it is about you that keeps me up rolling around swimming through my constant thoughts. 

Cruel. Stabbing my hands with your words. Binding me to the present. Sucking any breaths of the future. Staining my heart with wonders and curiosity.

The kind that while leaving a print, sinks it deeper. And the only way to rise it back up is to remove those beautifully dark promises. The kind that so gently yet so painfully and slowly break the promises. 

Cruel. 

Cruel thing when life offers me the cup.